The Truth About That January 16 Beanie Baby Nursery Trend
So it’s 6:14 AM, I’m wearing Dan’s oversized college hoodie that smells faintly of spit-up and regret, and I’m staring blankly at a dusty purple hippo. My mother-in-law had triumphantly handed it to me the day before. "It's Tubbo!" she...
Half Angel Baby Anime Trends: My 2 AM Online Shopping Confession
Dear Sarah from last October. It’s 2:14 AM. You’re sitting on the cold kitchen tiles in those grey yoga pants with the mysterious yogurt stain on the left knee, drinking coffee that went cold six hours ago. Maya, who's somehow...
Goro and Tropi Blowjob Baby: A Toddler Internet Safety Nightmare
It was 6:14 AM on a Tuesday, and the flat was freezing because our boiler has the temperament of an aging rock star. I was standing in the kitchen, staring intensely at the kettle, willing the water to boil through...
The exact october 30th beanie baby that broke my brain
I'm sitting on the cold linoleum floor of my laundry room in a nursing bra that hasn't seen the inside of a washing machine in at least three days, aggressively refreshing an eBay tab on my cracked iPhone with one...
Debugging the October 18 Beanie Baby Birthday Twin Trend
I was standing in the cramped, patchouli-scented aisle of a vintage shop on Hawthorne Boulevard, triumphantly holding a dusty plush skeleton from the year 2000. I thought I had just executed a brilliant parenting hack. My niece was about to...
Chasing the October 15 Beanie Baby: A New Dad's Reality Check
My mother-in-law's package arrived at our Portland apartment on a rainy Tuesday, smelling faintly of attic dust and the Clinton administration. Inside was a neon-orange plush pumpkin with hard plastic eyes staring blankly into the void. Sarah, my wife, immediately...
The Truth About Baby's Breath Flowers (And Why I Threw Mine Out)
Dave was holding a black lawn-and-leaf trash bag open while I aggressively shoved thirty mason jars of dried white flowers into it, weeping slightly, wearing only a nursing bra and a pair of his grey sweatpants. There was crumbly white...
The May 21st Beanie Baby Illusion: Vintage Plushies vs Reality
I was three pints deep into a Tuesday evening and aggressively outbidding a woman named 'Susan_Collects_94' on eBay for a slightly moth-eaten unicorn. My wife walked into the kitchen, took one look at the glowing iPad screen, and asked if...
Lil Baby Fridayy - Forever Chords: The 2 AM Search Mix-Up
The biggest lie the parenting internet tells you is that you can safely operate a search engine while running on two hours of sleep and a lukewarm cup of yesterday's coffee. Let me paint a picture for you. It was...