Magazine

A bewildered dad staring at a pile of loud plastic baby boy toys in his Portland living room.

Why The Best Baby Gifts For Boys Don’t Have Batteries Or Sirens

I'm currently sitting on my living room rug, surrounded by what I can only describe as a localized explosion of primary-colored plastic, wondering who decided that every single present for a male infant needs to simulate a construction site emergency....

Read more

Exhausted dad staring at a baby monitor screen in a dark kitchen at 3 AM

Why the Baby Brianna story changed how I debug dad burnout

My Apple Watch buzzed my wrist at 3:14 AM to congratulate me on starting an elliptical workout, which was objectively hilarious because I was actually just standing completely still in my kitchen in Portland, vibrating with a level of stress...

Read more

A dad holding a baby while looking anxiously at a laptop screen in a dark room.

What a Netflix Stalker Taught Me About Toddler Firewalls

The blue glow of the television is casting long shadows against the living room wall, and I'm completely frozen. It's 2:13 AM. My son is currently asleep on my chest, a thin line of drool connecting his cheek to my...

Read more

Tired dad separating baby toys from massive dog chew toys on a living room rug

The Baby Rottweiler Protocol: Debugging Life With a 100-Pound Dog

The system totally crashed on a Tuesday at 4:13 PM. It was pouring rain here in Portland, which meant our 115-pound dog, Buster, had completely refused to step outside to use the bathroom and was currently running on 100 percent...

Read more

A mom holding tiny black and white infant sneakers with cut elastic laces

Why I Took Kitchen Scissors to My Infant's First Pair of Sneakers

I was sweating through my shirt in a Target parking lot in late October, wrestling with a foot that looked exactly like a Hawaiian sweet roll. My oldest son was eight months old, and I was determined to get him...

Read more

A worried dad holding his infant checking for muscle tone and head control.

Is It Floppy Baby Syndrome? Why Your Infant Feels Like A Ragdoll

My smartwatch buzzed with an abnormal heart rate alert right as my son's shoulders completely collapsed through my hands. It was week fourteen, roughly 2:15 AM, and I was just trying to execute a standard crib transfer. I had him...

Read more

A frustrated dad looking at a tablet while his baby plays with a wooden toy

Debugging the Roblox Baby Nessie Meltdown

Whatever you do, don't try to explain the mathematics of random number generation to an eight-year-old who's actively weeping onto your couch cushions. I learned this the hard way last Saturday. My nephew Leo was visiting for the weekend, huddled...

Read more

A tired dad scrolling his phone in the dark while a baby sleeps in a crib

What an elon musk baby mama taught me about dad anxiety

It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, and my 11-month-old son was doing this weird, rhythmic dolphin-screech breathing in my arms. Every time I tried to transfer him to the crib, his internal gyroscope detected the change in altitude and...

Read more

A baby crawling on a living room rug while dad looks at dust bunnies

Why the Dust Baby Meme is Harmless but Your Floor is Toxic

I'm currently sitting on the floor at eye level with the baseboards, watching a shaft of afternoon Portland sunlight illuminate roughly ten million floating particles in our living room, while my 11-month-old daughter tries to eat a grey fuzzball she...

Read more