Magazine

Confused dad holding a red holiday onesie while listening to eartha kitt santa baby

Troubleshooting the Santa Baby Holiday Aesthetic

Last Tuesday at exactly 6:14 PM, I found myself locked in a physical struggle with a miniature velvet suit. My 11-month-old daughter was screaming like I'd just permanently uninstalled her favorite game, and my wife was standing in the doorway...

Read more

Confused dad looking at a baby playing with wooden toys on a floor rug

Troubleshooting The Real Cosmic Powers Of Your Own Human Infant

At my sister's backyard barbecue last weekend, three different people gave me completely contradictory advice about my son's biological capabilities within a ten-minute window. My uncle told me to just drop the kid in the deep end of the pool...

Read more

A dad looking exhausted while his baby plays with a plastic electronic toy

My Honest Review of the Fisher-Price Laugh and Learn Baby Toys

"Buy the talking dog, it taught your cousin to count," my mom texted me on a Tuesday morning while I was trying to compile code. "Don't let that plastic nightmare into your house, it'll literally nuke his dopamine receptors," my...

Read more

A tired dad looking at a soggy mountain of cardboard baby registry boxes on a rainy porch.

Surviving the Free Baby Box Hustle: A Dad's Tracker

It was 7:42 PM on a Tuesday, raining sideways in typical Portland fashion, and I was standing on my porch staring at a pile of soggy cardboard that made my house look like a localized fulfillment center. My neighbor gave...

Read more

Marcus holding a crying baby while looking confused at a smartphone screen.

Before and After: My Framework for Debugging a Fussy Baby

It's 3:14 AM and the glowing green numbers on our microwave are actively mocking me. I'm currently bouncing on a giant blue yoga ball, clutching a screaming eleven-month-old against my chest, while my wife desperately tries to warm up a...

Read more

A stressed dad holding a phone playing a colorful shark video next to a baby

The Baby Shark Song Lyrics Broke My Brain (A Dad's Log)

The dashboard clock of my Subaru says 3:14 AM. I'm driving aimlessly down I-84 in the pouring Portland rain, the heater blasting a smell of stale coffee and desperation. The only thing keeping the 11-month-old in the backseat from initiating...

Read more

Exhausted millennial dad looking at his phone while holding a crying 11-month-old baby in a dark room.

Debugging Sleep, Typos, and the Baby Saja x Reader Incident

My thumb slipped off the glass screen of my phone at exactly 3:14 AM, smearing a streak of organic pear puree across the search bar while my 11-month-old daughter attempted to burrow her entire head into my left armpit. She...

Read more

An 11-month-old baby in a soft orange organic cotton bodysuit with a felt face.

Debugging The Baby Pumpkin Costume: A First-Time Dad's Guide

The internal temperature of a synthetic plush gourd is roughly equivalent to the surface of the sun. I'm holding a screaming, bright orange sphere in the middle of a muddy Portland farm, desperately trying to find a zipper that apparently...

Read more

Exhausted dad holding his baby while looking at a smartphone in a dark nursery

Why I Googled Baby Osama at 3 AM: TikTok Sleep Hacks Are Terrifying

It's 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, the nursery is precisely 69.4 degrees Fahrenheit, and my 11-month-old son has just executed his fourth unauthorized wake-up routine of the night. I'm sitting on the edge of the glider in the dark, scrolling...

Read more