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Dear Sarah of exactly six months ago, You're currently sitting on the cold kitchen floor in Leo's old oversized Ninja Turtles hoodie, aggressively googling baby Rudin while eating stale Goldfish crackers out of a plastic bag at 2:14 AM. You're...

It was 2:13 AM, I was carrying a barely-sleeping six-month-old, and my bare foot found the one object in the living room that doesn't just squeak—it sings a loud, unhinged, techno remix of "Old MacDonald" when you step on it....

It was 2:14 in the morning, and the glowing plastic octopus under my bare heel was loudly singing the Spanish alphabet. I was holding a screaming newborn, trying not to wake my husband, while this neon monstrosity cheerfully flashed strobe...