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A heavily chewed cardboard book sitting next to a half-empty cup of cold coffee

The Great Baby Book Delusion: Expectations vs Actual Reality

I'm currently looking at a copy of The Very Hungry Caterpillar that has been so thoroughly chewed, sucked, and dismantled by my twin two-year-old daughters that it looks less like a beloved piece of children's literature and more like something...

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A tired dad sitting on the floor singing to twin babies on a wooden play gym.

How I Abandoned Indie Music to Become a Human Jukebox for Twins

Somewhere around the eighty-fourth consecutive rendition of The Wheels on the Bus, you experience a big sort of ego death. I was standing in the kitchen at 6am, wearing a t-shirt entirely crusted in dried porridge, aggressively miming the swish-swish-swish...

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Two toddlers destroying a living room while holiday music plays in the background.

Let's discuss the absolute madness of those santa baby lyrics

It was 4:13 PM on a Tuesday in mid-December. The sky over London had been a bruised, miserable purple since lunchtime, and inside the flat, the twins were orchestrating what I can only describe as a coordinated assault on our...

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A tired parent sitting on the floor comforting a crying toddler in the dark

The 3AM Baby Monster Phase: Surviving Toddler Night Terrors

My mum told me to leave a small saucer of milk under the bed to appease the spirits. The bloke at our local pub, a man who has clearly not parented a child since 1982, suggested I simply tell the...

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Exhausted dad sweating in a hallway while trying to stuff a thrashing toddler into a winter snowsuit.

Winter With Twins: A Freezing Dad's Guide to Infant Layering

Dear Tom of six months ago. You're currently standing in the narrow, draughty hallway of our Victorian terrace, sweating profusely through your jumper while trying to stuff Evie's left arm into a fleece-lined snowsuit. Isla is already dressed and currently...

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Tired British dad looking at a baby monitor while holding a cold coffee

Baby Got Back: Surviving Sleep Paranoia and Toddler Defiance

My mother-in-law cornered me in the kitchen on day three of fatherhood to firmly insist that babies must sleep on their fronts, otherwise they'll choke on their own spit-up and perish before dawn. The NHS health visitor, who arrived three...

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Baby due date calculator app on a phone

Why my baby due date calculator was a massive, statistical lie

The bathroom tile was unforgivingly cold against my bare feet, but I barely noticed because I was staring at a plastic stick with two faint blue lines, desperately stabbing at my phone screen. I had just Googled "baby due date...

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Exhausted dad holding twins while listening to grandparent advice

Surviving the Grandparent Clash During Your Own Baby Boom

The greatest myth they sell you at the antenatal classes (right after the lie that you’ll ever sleep for more than forty consecutive minutes again) is that grandparents are the ultimate, harmonious village. They picture a serene handover of generational...

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Exhausted dad holding two toddlers while looking at a bank statement

Lil baby net worth: What a rapper taught me about raising twins

Dear Tom from exactly six months ago It's currently 2:14 in the morning, and if my memory of six months ago is correct, you're currently pinned beneath a sweating, thrashing two-year-old girl while her identical sister sleeps horizontally across the...

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