Why the Baby Driver Actor Made Me Rethink Infant Safety
Dear Marcus from six months ago. I know exactly what you're doing right now. It's 3 AM in our Portland living room. You've logged exactly 3.4 hours of heavily fragmented sleep, and you're currently acting as a human mattress for...
Surviving the Unexplainable Evening Crying Phase
My Apple Watch tapped my wrist at exactly 5:14 PM to let me know the ambient noise level in my living room had reached 95 decibels, a volume it cheerfully warned could cause temporary hearing loss. I didn't need the...
Dear Priya from six months ago about the baby doge trap
Listen. I know exactly where you're right now. You're sitting on the rug in the nursery at three in the morning with a squirming toddler who refuses to sleep, scrolling TikTok with your screen brightness turned all the way down....
The Brutal Truth About Carters Baby Sizing and Nighttime Snaps
I'm currently sitting on the floor of my living room, completely barricaded by a mountain of pastel cotton, trying to match an impossibly tiny floral pant to a top that has somehow vanished into the ether. It’s mostly hand-me-downs from...
What To Do When The Baby Zombie Phase Actually Ruins Your Sleep
Listen. It was a quarter past three on a Tuesday when I realized my apartment was under a coordinated siege by two entirely different types of the undead. My husband and my older kid were huddled over an iPad in...
How The Britney Spears Adopt A Baby Rumor Broke My Brain At 3 AM
Listen y'all, it was exactly 3:14 AM. I know this because I was sitting on the cold linoleum floor of my walk-in pantry, eating a slightly stale handful of mini marshmallows out of a plastic bag, staring at the clock...
Why we finally threw out our fancy baby lights (and what worked)
It's 2:43 AM. I'm holding my iPhone between my teeth like a tactical flashlight because I need both hands to manage a diaper blowout of catastrophic proportions. I take one step backward, my heel finds a rogue wooden block, and...
The Gone Baby Gone Cast Has Nothing on My 3 AM Detective Work
My mother swore he was just hungry, my hipster neighbor confidently diagnosed a "leap 6 sleep regression," and a random guy in my Portland coffee shop told me he was definitely sensing my own unresolved childhood trauma. Three totally different...
My Baby Girl Chinese Drama: A 3 AM Survival Guide for Tired Parents
The digital clock on the wipe-warmer we never use is flashing 3:14 AM in a vaguely aggressive neon green. I'm wedged in the nursing chair, which has somehow lost all lumbar support over the last two years. Matilda, twin A,...