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The truth about baby oil when everyone has an opinion
My mother-in-law cornered me in the nursery when my son was four days old, wielding a bottle of pungent mustard oil. She informed me that a vigorous daily massage would make his bones strong, calling me beta in that tone...
The Truth About the Baby Gap (Teeth, Siblings, and Panic)
Don't do what I did last Tuesday. I was sitting in my crossover outside a strip mall, staring blankly at the baby gap outlet, violently typing "baby gap near me" into my phone because my toddler blew through the knees...
Surviving the Midnight Baby Brezza Machine Calibration Panic
At exactly 3:14 AM, the kitchen floor tiles felt roughly like the surface of Hoth, and I found myself staring with murderous intent at a blinking red light on a piece of plastic that cost more than my first car....
The Only Things You Actually Need For A New Baby (And What To Skip)
"You absolutely need the wipe warmer," my sister-in-law hissed across the table, leaning in like she was giving me state secrets. "If a cold wipe touches that baby's bottom, you'll never sleep again." "Don't buy anything," my hippie neighbor countered...
The Exact Moment My Twin Girls Decided to Become Fully Mobile
I was halfway through a tepid mug of Yorkshire tea when I heard the distinct sound of a skull making soft, rhythmic contact with cheap Swedish MDF. It was Tuesday, approximately 10:14 AM, and Mia had finally discovered how to...
The Truth About Target’s Baby Registry From a Tired Dad
I'm standing in our London flat at 2am, holding an iPad my American mother-in-law mailed across the Atlantic, staring at a digital spreadsheet that's fifty rows deep in burp cloths alone. My wife is asleep on the sofa, heavily pregnant...
My 3 AM Million Dollar Baby Obsession
It's 2:47 AM on a Tuesday. I'm sitting on the nursery floor wearing a hoodie that smells faintly of regurgitated sweet potato, trying to rock one of my twin daughters back to sleep while her sister aggressively kicks the cot...
The Beanie Baby Delusion: Why I Booted My Childhood Collection
I was standing ankle-deep in fiberglass insulation in my parents' attic last Thanksgiving, holding a massive, dust-caked Rubbermaid tub. Inside was what my 1998 brain calculated to be roughly $40,000 worth of brightly colored plush toys. I actually looked at...
The Google Sheet That Nearly Broke Us: A Guide to Baby Girl Names
Row 47 of our shared Google Sheet was where my marriage nearly met its untimely end over the name 'Blythe'. My wife, heavily pregnant and radiating a sort of exhausted menace, argued that it sounded literary and sophisticated. I argued...