Magazine
Why Choosing the Right Baby Fabric Feels Like a Firmware Update
It’s 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, and I'm holding a screaming, bright red infant who feels like a MacBook Pro rendering 4K video. I've already checked the usual error logs. The diaper is completely dry. His last bottle was precisely...
Debugging The Baby's Breath Garland Nursery Disaster
It's 11:43 PM on a Tuesday, and I'm standing on a step stool in my socks, gripping a heavy-duty staple gun in one hand and a crumbling, foul-smelling botanical structure in the other. My 11-month-old son is asleep in the...
Surviving the Five-Metre Fabric Trap of the Baby Wrap Sling
It was a drizzly Tuesday in the Lewisham Sainsbury's car park when I finally accepted defeat. I was standing next to the open boot of our Skoda, holding what appeared to be an endless, terrifyingly long ribbon of jersey cotton....
Dear Past Marcus: Please Stop Panicking About Baby Swiss Cheese
You're standing in the glowing light of the open fridge. It's 2:13 AM on a Tuesday. You have a block of sharp cheddar in your left hand and your phone in your right, aggressively cross-referencing milligrams of sodium on a...
Baby Sticking Tongue In And Out Repeatedly? Put The Phone Down
Two in the morning. The baby monitor was casting this sickly blue glow across my nightstand. Anya was fast asleep, but her mouth was doing this rhythmic, reptilian flicker. Just a baby sticking tongue in and out repeatedly, tasting the...
The First-Time Dad's Guide to Searching Baby Shower Near Me
I had exactly thirty-two tabs open in Chrome, my laptop's cooling fan was sounding like a Boeing 737 at takeoff, and my wife Sarah was giving me a look that translated roughly to a severe compilation error. I had literally...
The Brutal Truth About Baby Shower Flowers (Before vs After Twins)
I was standing in the narrow hallway of our London flat, proudly clutching an enormous £80 arrangement of stargazer lilies, completely convinced I was husband of the year. My wife's pre-baby gathering was starting in an hour, and I'd spared...
Why navigating baby shower chair rentals nearly broke my spirit
It was pouring with rain, naturally, because this is London, and I was wedged firmly between our Victorian front doorframe and a fifty-seven-inch-tall wicker peacock chair. My wife, Sarah, who was approximately eight hundred months pregnant with the twins at...
Real Talk About Baby Shower Captions and Social Media Etiquette
My mom told me to put my phone in a kitchen drawer and not post a single photo of my first pregnancy celebration because "the internet is full of weirdos." My Gen-Z cousin immediately grabbed my phone out of my...