The Cucumber Protocol: From Slippery Hazards to Teething Hacks
It's 6:15 AM in our Portland kitchen, and I'm staring at a cutting board with a digital caliper in my hand. My wife, Sarah, is pouring her coffee, watching me measure a wet green vegetable down to the millimeter. "It...
Why We Tore Down The Nursery Walls At 3 AM For Blue Paper
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, and I was staring at a wall painted a shade the DIY shop had optimistically called 'Sunshine Morning' but which, in the harsh glow of a dimmable nightlight, looked more like 'Aggressive Custard'....
From Fragile Newborn To Full baby_gopn1k
I found Maya in the kitchen at 6:13 AM this morning, squatting perfectly on her haunches in the corner by the bin, wearing a matching velour tracksuit and aggressively chewing on a teething rusk like it was a cheap cigar....
The myth of the aesthetic baby suji bowl and what to do instead
Scraping hardened semolina off the ceiling fan wasn't exactly what I pictured when my mother-in-law told me suji would be the perfect first food for my son. I'm standing on a dining chair with a butter knife, chipping away at...
Why The Sit To Stand Infant Scooter Is A Major Motor Update
For the last eleven months, I operated under the assumption that tiny children on wheels were basically just tiny teenagers, meaning I had at least five years before I needed to worry about wheeled mobility devices. I was sitting at...
Before You Buy That Baby Girl Thanksgiving Outfit, Read This
It's 2019, and I'm wedged between the toilet and the bathtub in my mother-in-law's guest bathroom, sweating through my own maternity sweater. I'm desperately trying to peel a rigid, glittery tulle turkey dress off my screaming four-month-old. The giblet gravy...
Debugging the Perfect Baby Easter Outfit for Spring Photos
Dear Marcus from six months ago. It's exactly 10:14 AM on a Sunday. You're currently standing in Maya’s parents' sunlit living room in Southeast Portland, holding an eleven-month-old infant who's violently attempting to ingest a handful of synthetic purple Easter...
The Brutal Truth About That Public Baby Changing Station Strap
My mother-in-law told me to never let my kid's bare skin touch a public changing table. She suggested I do all diaper changes in the trunk of our sedan, like some sort of parking lot mobster. My favorite doom-scrolling app...
Choosing the Right Going Home Outfit For Baby: A Dad's Warning
Dear Marcus (Version -11 Months), You're currently standing next to our Honda CR-V on Level 2 of the hospital parking garage, staring at a rigid plastic bucket with five straps that you're somehow supposed to secure your new daughter into....