Magazine

Frustrated dad holding a noisy plastic toy while an 11-month-old baby sleeps

A Portland Dad's Honest Guide to Picking Gifts for Infants

It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday when our system completely crashed. My son had just executed a flawless, database-corrupting diaper blowout, and my wife and I were running on maybe ninety total minutes of fragmented sleep. The nursery thermostat...

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A small plastic figurine sitting next to a slice of colorful frosted pastry on a wooden table.

Debugging The King Cake Baby Hazard: A Warning To My Past Self

Dear Marcus of six months ago: Put the fork down. Back away from the pastry. I know exactly where you're right now. You're sitting at the kitchen island in the Portland rain, staring at a slice of aggressively colored purple,...

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Mother laughing while her baby plays with a simple wooden toy under the tree

Surviving Baby's First Christmas (Without Losing Your Mind)

I was on my hands and knees under the dining room table at six in the morning, trying to fish a soggy clump of metallic green wrapping paper out of my oldest son's throat while he screamed like a banshee....

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A very tired mom drinking cold coffee while her baby pulls a shiny red ornament off a messy Christmas tree.

That Santa Baby Kim Kardashian Video vs Our Real Holiday Chaos

I was standing dead in the center of my mother-in-law's aggressively pine-scented living room in December 2017, wearing a pair of black maternity leggings that still had a crusty white streak of spit-up down the left thigh, clutching a mug...

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Exhausted mom holding a sleeping baby wearing earmuffs on New Year's Eve

Surviving Baby’s First New Year's Eve Without Losing Your Mind

I spent my oldest son’s first New Year’s Eve sitting on the tile floor of our guest bathroom in the pitch black, violently shushing him while my husband stuffed rolled-up towels under the door frame. Jackson was barely seven months...

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A tiny plush elf doll sitting next to an 11-month-old infant who looks completely bewildered.

Debugging the Holiday Magic: Our First Baby Elf Setup

"Put it on the mantle so he knows Santa is watching," my mother told me on Thanksgiving, handing me a felt doll with suspicious eyes and unnaturally long limbs. "Don't bring that surveillance state psychological warfare into your home," my...

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Baby in a soft green organic cotton long sleeve romper playing on a rug

A Nurse's Guide to the Infant Holiday Wardrobe Trap

My mother-in-law cornered me in the kitchen last December holding a miniature polyester tuxedo complete with a clip-on bowtie and tiny suspenders. She fully expected my four-month-old to wear this structural engineering marvel to our family dinner. I spent five...

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Confused dad trying to soothe a grumpy grinch baby wearing an organic cotton bodysuit

Troubleshooting Your Grinch Baby When Holiday Chaos Hits

I'm currently sweating through my favorite flannel shirt while attempting to stuff my eleven-month-old son into a synthetic, neon-green elf costume that has actual jingle bells aggressively sewn onto the collar. He is thrashing around like a fish on a...

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Shatterproof wooden baby's first christmas ornament on a pine branch

Surviving the drama of your baby's first christmas ornament

I was sitting on the floor of our freezing Chicago apartment with a vacuum in one hand and a bleeding thumb in the other. My mother-in-law had just left. Her gift had lasted exactly four seconds out of the tissue...

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