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Debugging Bath Time: My Quest for a Safe Baby Bathtub
I’m standing over our stainless steel kitchen sink, my heart rate clocking 130 BPM on my smartwatch, holding what can only be described as a furiously squirming, soap-covered water balloon. My wife Sarah is standing exactly two feet to my...
Debugging Dinner: A Dad's Guide to Oven-Baked Baby Back Ribs
My dad told me that if I didn't cook them over hickory wood on a custom offset charcoal smoker, I was committing a culinary felony. My neighbor Dave leaned over the fence on Tuesday and insisted the only way to...
How Baby ASL Fixed Our 11-Month-Old's Communication Bugs
At 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, I was holding a perfectly warmed, 98.6-degree bottle of formula out like a peace offering, while my eleven-month-old son shrieked like a dial-up modem failing to connect. I tried the bottle again. He slapped...
So, are all babies born with blue eyes? What I actually learned
I was sitting in Mount Sinai hospital, room 412, wearing those horrific mesh underwear and a hospital gown that smelled vaguely of industrial bleach and desperation, holding my two-day-old son Leo. My husband, Dave, had just returned with the worst...
When Your 1-Month-Old Baby Refuses to Poop: A Twin Dad's Guide
It's 3:14 AM on a wet Tuesday in London, and I'm shining my iPhone torch directly into my daughter's nappy like an amateur archaeologist hoping to uncover ancient ruins. Nothing. Just a pristine, mocking landscape of dry bamboo fiber. Meanwhile,...
The Panic of Buying Sunblock Newborn Twins Can Actually Tolerate
Standing in aisle four of our local Boots, sweat pooling in the small of my back, I found myself staring at thirty-seven different brightly coloured bottles while two four-week-old girls actively lost their minds in a double buggy. The great...
The Tactical, Data-Driven Reality of Buying Baby Girl Clothing
My daughter's left foot is currently wedged somewhere inside the armhole of a tulle skirt that somehow features six different layers of synthetic mesh, and she's screaming at me like I just tried to permanently delete her favorite stuffed animal....
Analog QA Testing: Why I Replaced The Flashing Toys With Wood
It was exactly 3:14 AM when my bare heel made contact with the plastic singing cow. I was holding a half-asleep eleven-month-old, navigating the dark hallway by memory, when 180 decibels of synthesized banjo music erupted from the floorboards. The...
Letter to Past Marcus: Baby Rattlesnakes & Other Terrors
Hey Marcus from six months ago. It's me, future Marcus. You're currently sitting in the dark at 3:14 AM, the retina display of your phone burning a hole in your exhausted corneas because you tried to Google "best wooden baby...