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Surviving the Night with a Baby Rassel: Why Simple Toys Win
The digital clock on the microwave glared at me in aggressive, glowing red numbers: 3:14 AM. I was standing barefoot in a puddle of something unidentifiable (let's optimistically call it water) while holding a screaming two-year-old who was currently producing...
Why tired British parents desperately need a große kuscheldecke
It was 4:13 AM on a Tuesday, and I was pinned to the living room sofa under what was ostensibly sold to me as a "generously sized" throw. On my left collarbone lay Twin A, emitting a low, rhythmic wheeze...
Dear Tom: Buy a fußsack für babys before the winter sleet hits
Dear November Tom, You're currently standing outside the off-licence on a Tuesday afternoon. The sleet is doing that highly specific, horizontal London thing where it somehow manages to rain entirely upward. Both girls have just simultaneously scissor-kicked their hand-knitted cellular...
Tears at Teatime: Why Your Infant Turns Feeding Into A Drama
I once tried to solve a mid-feed meltdown by aggressively bouncing on a pilates ball while simultaneously singing an out-of-tune rendition of Oasis and trying to force a silicone teat into a mouth that was currently shaped like a right...
The Utter Absurdity of Buying a Baby Golf Outfit for Toddlers
I’m currently watching my two-year-old daughter, Florence, attempt to swallow a brightly coloured plastic golf tee while her twin sister, Matilda, aggressively reverse-crawls her way out of a sand bunker. We’re at a rather stiff, overly manicured Surrey golf club...
The Brutal Truth About Baby Shower Flowers (Before vs After Twins)
I was standing in the narrow hallway of our London flat, proudly clutching an enormous £80 arrangement of stargazer lilies, completely convinced I was husband of the year. My wife's pre-baby gathering was starting in an hour, and I'd spared...
The Truth About Free Baby Quilt Patterns (And What Not to Do)
I'm currently staring at a pile of mangled, vaguely triangular fabric scraps that were supposed to be matching heirloom blankets for the girls. It’s 11:43 PM. The sewing machine sitting on our dining table is making a rhythmic, grinding noise...
Lil Baby Fridayy - Forever Chords: The 2 AM Search Mix-Up
The biggest lie the parenting internet tells you is that you can safely operate a search engine while running on two hours of sleep and a lukewarm cup of yesterday's coffee. Let me paint a picture for you. It was...
Why Buying Lil Baby Concert Tickets For a Baby is a Bad Idea
It was 9:15 PM in section 204 of the arena. My phone was open to a decibel-reading app I had downloaded in a panic in the parking lot, and the screen was just flashing the word "DANGEROUS" in bright red...