Why A Tiny Green Alien Explains My Entire First Year Of Fatherhood
It's 3:14 AM, and my eleven-month-old is currently trying to shove a completely intact, unpeeled banana into his left ear while maintaining unblinking, terrifying eye contact with me. I'm wearing sweatpants I haven't washed since Tuesday and a Mandalorian t-shirt...
The Google Sheet That Nearly Broke Us: A Guide to Baby Girl Names
Row 47 of our shared Google Sheet was where my marriage nearly met its untimely end over the name 'Blythe'. My wife, heavily pregnant and radiating a sort of exhausted menace, argued that it sounded literary and sophisticated. I argued...
Why the Baby Driver Cast Fooled Me on Family Movie Night
My oldest boy, Jackson, is standing dead center in the living room wearing mismatched dinosaur pajamas, clutching a half-eaten string cheese like a microphone, and staring completely wide-eyed at our television screen. It's 9:45 PM on a Friday. He's supposed...
That Midnight Streaming Trap Every Tired Parent Nearly Falls For
My phone lit up the nursery at 2:14 AM like a localized lightning strike. I was currently covered in what I hoped was just formula, trying to rock a teething toddler back to baseline. The text was from Sarah in...
A letter to past Tom regarding the babyrassel aus holz trend
Dear Tom from eighteen months ago. You're currently standing in the kitchen of the flat in Highbury at 3:14 in the morning, holding a bag of frozen peas against Florence’s surprisingly robust forehead while Matilda screams from the other room...
Why the baby bodys lustig trend is a medical nightmare
It was 3:14 AM. The dim light of the nursery humidifier was casting a sickly green glow over the changing table. Maya had just delivered a blowout of epic proportions, a true code brown that defied the laws of physics,...
The Great Tulle Disaster: A Dad's Guide to Baby Kleider Mädchen
I was sitting in the back of a rented Subaru in a gravel parking lot in Bend, Oregon, frantically trying to debug a zipper that was hopelessly jammed in three layers of synthetic tulle. The temperature outside was pushing ninety...
Dear Past Me: The Messy Truth About Waterproof and Plastic Bibs
Dear Sarah from six months ago, You're currently standing in the baby aisle of that ridiculously overpriced boutique downtown. It’s exactly 10:15 AM on a Tuesday, and you're wearing those black lululemon leggings that definitely have a crusty yogurt stain...
The Brutal, Messy Truth About Surviving Baby Onesies
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, roughly six weeks into the twin experiment, and I was holding a small, violently crying creature at arm's length. The issue wasn't the crying (I'd grown accustomed to the acoustic assault), but rather...