Debugging the Absolute Chaos of Modern Boy Baby Shower Themes
I was on row 47 of my Google Sheet, cross-referencing the hex codes of compostable napkins with three different artisanal bakery delivery zones, when my wife gently closed my laptop. It was a Saturday afternoon, roughly two months before our...
The Cutest Baby Animals Myth: Why Toddlers Are Wildlife Menaces
My left hand is currently clamped around the collar of a toddler who's vibrating with the intense, terrifying desire to strangle a squirrel with pure love. We're in St. James’s Park, it's raining, and I'm actively disproving the greatest myth...
Troubleshooting the Santa Baby Holiday Aesthetic
Last Tuesday at exactly 6:14 PM, I found myself locked in a physical struggle with a miniature velvet suit. My 11-month-old daughter was screaming like I'd just permanently uninstalled her favorite game, and my wife was standing in the doorway...
What Elon Musk's Expanding Family Taught This Pediatric Nurse
I was wiping a suspicious volume of spit-up off my scrub top in the pediatric ER breakroom when a resident handed me a magazine with another billionaire on the cover. Everyone was whispering about the latest elon musk baby addition,...
Decoding European Baby Formula When You Are Running on No Sleep
The timestamp on our smart nursery thermometer read 3:14 AM. I was sitting cross-legged on the kitchen tiles, surrounded by three different brands of domestic baby powder, a sticky bottle, and a 4-month-old who sounded like a dial-up modem failing...
Troubleshooting The Real Cosmic Powers Of Your Own Human Infant
At my sister's backyard barbecue last weekend, three different people gave me completely contradictory advice about my son's biological capabilities within a ten-minute window. My uncle told me to just drop the kid in the deep end of the pool...
Surviving the Free Baby Box Hustle: A Dad's Tracker
It was 7:42 PM on a Tuesday, raining sideways in typical Portland fashion, and I was standing on my porch staring at a pile of soggy cardboard that made my house look like a localized fulfillment center. My neighbor gave...
The 3 AM Whistling Butt Tube (A Letter To My Exhausted Past Self)
Dear Sarah from exactly four years ago (though my sleep-deprived, coffee-soaked brain still genuinely feels like this was maybe 6 months ago), You're currently standing in the kitchen. It's 3:14 AM. You're wearing those gray maternity sweatpants with the mysterious...
Transporting a Three-Tier Boho Frosting Tower on I-5 at 15 MPH
The suspension on a 2016 Subaru Outback is surprisingly unforgiving when you've forty pounds of Swiss meringue buttercream buckled into the passenger seat. I was driving fifteen miles per hour down the shoulder of I-5 with my hazard lights flashing,...