System Failure: A First-Time Dad's Guide to the Kyte Baby Sale
Dear Marcus from exactly six months ago, I'm writing this to you as you sit at your dual-monitor setup at 9:58 AM on a Thursday, sweating through your gray Portland Timbers t-shirt. You've got three browser windows open, your credit...
Taking Parenting Advice From A Kardashian (And Why It Actually Worked)
It was exactly 3:14 AM, the digital clock on the humidifier was burning red into my retinas, and I was sitting cross-legged on the nursery floor holding a pair of heavy-duty kitchen shears. The baby was doing that terrifying, silent...
Raising a Jimbo Boss Baby: Firmware Updates for Heavy Infants
The blue line on the pediatrician’s monitor shot up into the top right quadrant like a server load graph during a DDoS attack. I adjusted my glasses. My wife shifted in her chair. Our 11-month-old son sat on the examination...
Troubleshooting the 3 AM Baby Glitch and Other Night Terrors
My thumb was hovering over the backspace key at 3:14 AM, the harsh blue light of my phone screen illuminating the spit-up crusted on my shoulder. I had managed to type exactly six letters into the search bar with my...
The 3 AM Googling Incident: My Real Throat Baby Troubleshooting
It was 3:14 AM when the bassinet started emitting a noise I can only describe as a percolating aquarium filter. Our 11-month-old son was asleep, but he was rattling with every exhale. I grabbed my phone, turned the brightness all...
The Wheeled Menace: Surviving the Push Walker Baby Era With Twins
It was 4:17 PM on a rainy Tuesday when I found Molly wedged firmly beneath the living room radiator, her lower half encased in a brightly coloured plastic UFO that was loudly playing a tinny electronic version of "Old MacDonald."...
A Letter to My Past Self: How to Watch Baby Boy Chaos Unfold
You're currently sitting on the beige rug in the nursery, holding a half-melted bag of frozen Trader Joe's peas to your left eyebrow. Your five-month-old just executed what I can only describe as a tactical headbutt masquerading as a hug....
How I Cured My Baby's Reflux in 7 Days Without Losing My Mind
"Put rice cereal in the bottle," my mom declared over FaceTime while I wiped sour-smelling milk off my glasses. "You just need cranial sacral therapy," the barista at my local Portland coffee shop whispered conspiratorially as she handed me my...
The "Where Is Mama" Phase Is Ruining My Ping
14.3 seconds. I checked my smartwatch. That’s exactly how long it took me to walk from the living room play area, step over the dog gate, open the fridge, grab a lime seltzer, and walk back. But when I crossed...