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The Lily Collins Baby Backlash and My Parenting Firmware Update
It was 6:14 AM on a rainy Tuesday in Portland, and I was staring at a lukewarm cup of coffee while my 11-month-old son aggressively tried to pull my beard out from the roots. I had managed to wrestle him...
How to execute the sorry sir not your baby boundary script
We were in the produce section of the Hawthorne Fred Meyer, right between the bruised organic honeycrisps and that terrifying misting machine that sounds like a tiny jet engine spinning up. My 11-month-old son was strapped into his stroller, chewing...
The Sweet Baby Inc Panic: Why I Thought Our Nursery Was Compromised
I was sitting cross-legged on the floor of the nursery at 3:14 AM, frantically scanning the back of an organic lotion bottle with my phone flashlight, convinced I had somehow introduced a catastrophic vulnerability into our household infrastructure. My eleven-month-old...
My confusing search for a talented baby squirrel in Portland
My 11-month-old was actively attempting to ingest a handful of premium Portland moss when my phone vibrated in my pocket. We were doing our mandatory morning yard time, which mostly consists of me following him around like a poorly programmed...
Why your favorite audio show won't patch your infant's firmware
It’s 3:17 AM. The Portland rain is aggressively smacking against the kitchen window. I've exactly one AirPod in, listening to some pediatric sleep guru explain the best ambient temperature for a nursery, while my son—an 11-month-old dictator I lovingly refer...
Why the thalidomide baby tragedy still dictates pregnancy rules
I was standing in aisle four of a aggressively crunchy Portland natural grocery store, holding a box of German herbal nausea pills that smelled like dirt and black licorice. Sarah was eight weeks pregnant. For the last seventy-two hours, she...
Dear Past Marcus: The Truth About the Ugg Baby Boot Obsession
It's 4:12 PM on a rainy Tuesday in late November, and you're sweating completely through your flannel shirt while crouched on the mudroom floor trying to shove an angry, curled-up infant foot into a ridiculously expensive miniature sheepskin tube. You're...
Lil Baby Baby Mama Drama: The Mental Load Of Modern Parenting
Dear Marcus from six months ago, It's 3:14 AM. You're pinned under a sleeping infant who has somehow gained the density of a dying star. Your left arm went numb twenty minutes ago, but you're absolutely terrified to move because...
Lil Baby All On Me: Surviving The Intense Velcro Infant Phase
I tried the heating pad trick first. You know the one—you warm up the crib mattress so when you lower the sleeping infant onto the sheets, they don't detect a temperature drop and sound the alarm. I even wore the...