Magazine

A dad holding his 11-month-old baby while reading the news on his phone in a Portland coffee shop.

The Lily Collins Baby Backlash and My Parenting Firmware Update

It was 6:14 AM on a rainy Tuesday in Portland, and I was staring at a lukewarm cup of coffee while my 11-month-old son aggressively tried to pull my beard out from the roots. I had managed to wrestle him...

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A confused dad staring at a stranger trying to touch his baby in a grocery store

How to execute the sorry sir not your baby boundary script

We were in the produce section of the Hawthorne Fred Meyer, right between the bruised organic honeycrisps and that terrifying misting machine that sounds like a tiny jet engine spinning up. My 11-month-old son was strapped into his stroller, chewing...

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Confused dad looking at his phone next to a wooden baby gym

The Sweet Baby Inc Panic: Why I Thought Our Nursery Was Compromised

I was sitting cross-legged on the floor of the nursery at 3:14 AM, frantically scanning the back of an organic lotion bottle with my phone flashlight, convinced I had somehow introduced a catastrophic vulnerability into our household infrastructure. My eleven-month-old...

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Marcus holding an 11-month-old baby looking at an oak tree in a backyard.

My confusing search for a talented baby squirrel in Portland

My 11-month-old was actively attempting to ingest a handful of premium Portland moss when my phone vibrated in my pocket. We were doing our mandatory morning yard time, which mostly consists of me following him around like a poorly programmed...

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Exhausted dad in a messy Portland kitchen staring at a baby monitor

Why your favorite audio show won't patch your infant's firmware

It’s 3:17 AM. The Portland rain is aggressively smacking against the kitchen window. I've exactly one AirPod in, listening to some pediatric sleep guru explain the best ambient temperature for a nursery, while my son—an 11-month-old dictator I lovingly refer...

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Marcus looking stressed at a pharmacy aisle holding pregnancy safe ginger drops.

Why the thalidomide baby tragedy still dictates pregnancy rules

I was standing in aisle four of a aggressively crunchy Portland natural grocery store, holding a box of German herbal nausea pills that smelled like dirt and black licorice. Sarah was eight weeks pregnant. For the last seventy-two hours, she...

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Dad holding a tiny sheepskin winter boot next to an 11-month-old baby.

Dear Past Marcus: The Truth About the Ugg Baby Boot Obsession

It's 4:12 PM on a rainy Tuesday in late November, and you're sweating completely through your flannel shirt while crouched on the mudroom floor trying to shove an angry, curled-up infant foot into a ridiculously expensive miniature sheepskin tube. You're...

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Exhausted dad scrolling his phone while baby sleeps on his chest

Lil Baby Baby Mama Drama: The Mental Load Of Modern Parenting

Dear Marcus from six months ago, It's 3:14 AM. You're pinned under a sleeping infant who has somehow gained the density of a dying star. Your left arm went numb twenty minutes ago, but you're absolutely terrified to move because...

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Exhausted dad typing on a laptop with one hand while an 11-month-old baby sleeps on his chest

Lil Baby All On Me: Surviving The Intense Velcro Infant Phase

I tried the heating pad trick first. You know the one—you warm up the crib mattress so when you lower the sleeping infant onto the sheets, they don't detect a temperature drop and sound the alarm. I even wore the...

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