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What to Do When Your Toddler Finds a Baby Finch in the Grass
It's 2:14 PM on a Tuesday and I'm staring at what looks like a hairy jellybean on my concrete patio. My 11-month-old daughter is currently operating in her standard 'Roomba mode,' rapidly crawling toward the jellybean with her mouth wide...
Tears at Teatime: Why Your Infant Turns Feeding Into A Drama
I once tried to solve a mid-feed meltdown by aggressively bouncing on a pilates ball while simultaneously singing an out-of-tune rendition of Oasis and trying to force a silicone teat into a mouth that was currently shaped like a right...
The Great "Baby Tana Porn" Autocomplete Disaster Of 2024
At exactly 7:14 PM last Tuesday, my wife stopped breathing. It wasn't a medical emergency, but rather a sharp, terrifying inhalation of pure, unfiltered judgment. We were sitting on the couch in our Portland living room, the rain aggressively attacking...
The 3 AM Meltdown That Made Me Finally Buy a Real Gum Teether
It was 3:17 AM in a freezing January, and I was sitting on the floor of my mother-in-lawβs guest room in Connecticut wearing a stained pair of maternity sweatpants that I absolutely should have retired two years prior. Maya was...
Why buying a baby comb for a completely bald infant makes sense
Before the twins arrived, my mother-in-law handed me a beautifully wrapped, eco-friendly grooming kit containing a wildly soft bristle brush and a tiny wooden toothed implement. I looked at the ultrasound pictures stuck to my fridgeβtwo indistinct blurry blobs that...
Debugging The Baby's Breath Garland Nursery Disaster
It's 11:43 PM on a Tuesday, and I'm standing on a step stool in my socks, gripping a heavy-duty staple gun in one hand and a crumbling, foul-smelling botanical structure in the other. My 11-month-old son is asleep in the...
Dear Past Jess: The Butternut Squash Baby Food Survival Guide
Put the dull paring knife down, honey. Just lay it gently on the cutting board and step away from the counter before you end up in the rural Texas ER explaining to a very tired nurse how a vegetable completely...
Botanical Interests Organic Lettuce Mesclun Gourmet Baby Seed
I was standing in aisle four of the Pearl District Whole Foods, aggressively cross-referencing a bag of pre-washed spinach with the CDCβs active E. coli outbreak database on my phone, while my eleven-month-old actively tried to lick the shopping cart...
The absolute truth about a black baby changing diaper routine
It's 3:17 a.m. and I'm staring down twin number one (or possibly twin number two, the darkness and sleep deprivation blur them into one collective entity of demands) while the distinct, unmistakable aroma of impending doom wafts from her cot....