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The Bizarre Kat Timpf Baby Name Rumor & Our Naming Panic
You're currently staring at cell C42 on the "Child_Identifier_v3.xlsx" spreadsheet, blinking through the burn of blue light at 2:14 AM while your five-month-old aggressively tries to eat his own foot in the bassinet beside you. You've gone so far down...
The 3 AM Meltdown That Finally Taught Me How to Name a Human
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday in mid-August, and the air conditioning in our apartment had completely surrendered. I was 37 weeks pregnant with Maya, wearing my husband Markβs hopelessly stained college lacrosse t-shirt, and I was crying so...
How The AGT Winner Jessica Sanchez Baby Name Wrecked My Math
Don't, under any circumstances, try to write a Python script that scrapes the Social Security Administration database to find a moniker with a mathematically perfect syllable-to-vowel ratio. This is a terrible way to name a human. I know this because...
Why the jennifer lawrence baby name choice makes so much sense
My mother-in-law told me to pick a heavy traditional Indian name to honor our ancestors. The charge nurse on the pediatric floor told me to invent something completely new so there wouldn't be five of them in kindergarten. The tired...
Debugging the Ultimate Spreadsheet of Baby Names for Girls - Dad Log
Dear Marcus from six months ago, You're currently sitting at your desk at 2 AM. Your daughter is five months old, sleeping for a miraculous forty-two-minute stretch, and your brain is finally quiet. Then your buddy Dave texts you. He...
Why I'm Stealing Millie Bobby Brown's Top Secret Parenting Rule
I just spent forty-five minutes frantically deleting old Facebook albums from 2019 while my toddler tried to climb the dishwasher, and let me tell y'all, the panic sweat was real. I was looking at my oldest son's digital footprint, and...
The Google Sheet That Nearly Broke Us: A Guide to Baby Girl Names
Row 47 of our shared Google Sheet was where my marriage nearly met its untimely end over the name 'Blythe'. My wife, heavily pregnant and radiating a sort of exhausted menace, argued that it sounded literary and sophisticated. I argued...
The brutal truth about picking baby names that won't ruin them
My mother-in-law cornered me in the kitchen at twenty weeks pregnant to gently suggest that our child's name needed to reflect our deep ancestral roots. Later that afternoon, my hipster neighbor in Logan Square casually mentioned over the fence that...
Surviving Weaning and the Tactical Genius of a LΓ€tzchen mit Namen
I'm currently staring at a smear of pureed pumpkin that has somehow defied gravity to reach the ceiling rose of our Victorian terrace. It's seven in the morning on a Tuesday, and one of the twinsβI'm fairly certain it's Florence,...