Magazine
The newborn rattle timeline from potato stage to blunt force trauma
I was standing in the kitchen at 4am, holding a plastic object that resembled a neon torture device, trying to work out why my three-week-old daughters were actively ignoring it. It was a Tuesday. Or possibly a Thursday. Time becomes...
Debugging the Glitchy Physics of Baby Formalwear and Outfits
My mom told me babies need a slip under their dress so the tulle doesn't scratch. My mother-in-law said anything with a skirt is basically a sleep hazard waiting to execute a critical failure. And the barista at my favorite...
The absurd reality of getting your baby a Pampers modelling gig
We were at a deeply depressing soft play centre in Croydon, inhaling the scent of damp socks and despair, when a woman with aggressive blonde highlights leaned over the ball pit to tell me my twin girls were "absolute angels."...
The Thameslink Blowout: Surviving the Baby Bodysuit Trap
We were somewhere between East Croydon and London Bridge when the smell hit. A dense, sulphuric cloud that instantly cleared the priority seating area of commuters and left me alone with a double pram. Twin A was grinning the gummy,...
Debugging Tummy Time: What You Actually Need From A Baby Mat
There's this deeply embedded cultural myth that to successfully raise a functional human infant, you must provide them with a floor space that looks and sounds exactly like a Las Vegas casino. When Leo was about two months old, I...
Kinderwagen Lammfell Winter: Why I Stopped Panicking
I was standing outside a coffee shop on Division Street in 38-degree freezing drizzle, intensely watching my eleven-month-old's chest rise and fall. My wife's mother had just proudly installed a fluffy sheepskin insert into our UPPAbaby stroller, and I was...
The Buc-ee's pants disaster and why I only buy leggings baumwolle bio
I'm standing in the blindingly bright, pristine bathroom of a Buc-ee’s somewhere off Interstate 35, and my eighteen-month-old son is screaming like I’m trying to exorcise a demon from his body. It’s August in Texas, which means the air outside...
The Ugly Truth About My Switch to Bio Baumwoll Leggings
I was standing in my laundry room at eleven o'clock on a Tuesday night, aggressively peeling a pair of toddler pants out of the dryer lint trap, when it actually hit me. The pants were crackling. Literally throwing off visible...
Bedruckte Baby Strampler: Troubleshooting the Custom Romper
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, and I was using my iPhone flashlight to inspect the inner thighs of my screaming eleven-month-old. Leo was wearing a custom printed "Future Coder - Loading 50%" romper that my brother had proudly...