Hosting a Baby in Bloom Baby Shower: A Dad's Survival Guide
You're currently bleeding on a £40 bunch of imported eucalyptus. I know this because I'm you, writing from exactly six months in the future, and I still have the tiny, irritating scar on my left index finger to prove it....
Why my toddler's search for baby hotline lyrics gave me a heart attack
It's 6:13 AM on a Tuesday, and my left knee is submerged in what I can only hope is lukewarm porridge. Twin A, who I'm increasingly convinced is an agent of chaos sent to test my blood pressure, has somehow...
Why The Baby Highland Cow Trend Completely Took Over My Life
There's a piece of dried pampas grass currently jabbing me in the left nostril as I bend over to pick up a discarded sock, and I've just realized I'm staring directly into the soulful, watercolor eyes of a shaggy Scottish...
The Panicked Dad's Guide to Buying Tiny Metal Ear Ornaments
The 19-year-old holding what looked like a neon pink staple gun was snapping her chewing gum with rhythmic, terrifying precision. I stood perfectly still on the sticky floor of the high street accessory shop, gripping the handle of the double...
Dear Past Tom: The Baby Dragon Evo Is Not A Wooden Toy
Dear Tom of six months ago. You're currently sitting on the kitchen floor at 6:13 AM, watching Maya meticulously paint the skirting boards with organic oat porridge while Lily tries to negotiate with a rogue Cheerio she found under the...
The Burn Baby Burn Reality Check: Why Your Coffee is the Enemy
I'm currently standing in the exact centre of my kitchen, holding a mug of aggressively hot black coffee directly above my head like I'm presenting Simba to the animal kingdom, while two toddlers attempt to scale my pyjama trousers. This...
Why I Finally Caved to the Organic Baby Face Balm Craze
It’s Tuesday, somewhere around 3 PM, and I'm currently pinned to the nursery rug by a twenty-four-pound toddler who's thrashing her head side-to-side like a cornered badger to avoid the muslin cloth I’m wielding. Her twin sister is watching from...
The Absurd Truth About The Baby Camel Trend Invading London
I was standing in a fiercely over-lit organic grocer in Hackney at 7:15 in the morning, holding a squirming toddler under one arm like a bag of wet cement, when I saw it. A tiny, violently expensive glass bottle labeled...
The Great First Birthday Smash Cake Disaster (And What I Learned)
There's a specific, deeply unsettling textural horror to finding mashed avocado and coconut cream crusted into your left eyebrow three hours after the guests have gone home. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror, picking dried oat flour...