Why surviving twin toddlers requires literal tactical baby gear
There's a rather pervasive myth floating around the parenting forums right now. They'll enthusiastically tell you that fathers only buy militarised rucksacks because they're tragically insecure about their own masculinity. People assume we're terrified of holding a floral tote bag,...
A Letter To My Past Self: When Do Babies Start Rolling Over?
Dear Tom of October 2022, You're currently sitting on the floor of the living room, drinking lukewarm instant coffee and staring at Florence and Matilda. They're roughly fourteen weeks old. They're on their backs. They have been on their backs...
First Steps and Bruised Knees: A Twin Dad's Guide to Walking
I used to think there was a specific, magical day when it happened. I genuinely believed that sometime around their first birthday, I’d be sitting on the sofa with a lukewarm coffee, and one of the twins would simply stand...
Dear Past Tom: The Expensive, Absurd Reality of Baby Jordans
Dear Tom of six months ago, You're currently sweating through your grey t-shirt, pinning Florence between your knees while attempting to force her inexplicably square, fleshy foot into a miniature, stiff leather basketball shoe. She's screaming as if you've suggested...
The Great Baby Book Delusion: Expectations vs Actual Reality
I'm currently looking at a copy of The Very Hungry Caterpillar that has been so thoroughly chewed, sucked, and dismantled by my twin two-year-old daughters that it looks less like a beloved piece of children's literature and more like something...
How I Abandoned Indie Music to Become a Human Jukebox for Twins
Somewhere around the eighty-fourth consecutive rendition of The Wheels on the Bus, you experience a big sort of ego death. I was standing in the kitchen at 6am, wearing a t-shirt entirely crusted in dried porridge, aggressively miming the swish-swish-swish...
Let's discuss the absolute madness of those santa baby lyrics
It was 4:13 PM on a Tuesday in mid-December. The sky over London had been a bruised, miserable purple since lunchtime, and inside the flat, the twins were orchestrating what I can only describe as a coordinated assault on our...
The 3AM Baby Monster Phase: Surviving Toddler Night Terrors
My mum told me to leave a small saucer of milk under the bed to appease the spirits. The bloke at our local pub, a man who has clearly not parented a child since 1982, suggested I simply tell the...
Winter With Twins: A Freezing Dad's Guide to Infant Layering
Dear Tom of six months ago. You're currently standing in the narrow, draughty hallway of our Victorian terrace, sweating profusely through your jumper while trying to stuff Evie's left arm into a fleece-lined snowsuit. Isla is already dressed and currently...