Losing My Mind Inside Infant Stores (And What You Actually Need)
My mother-in-law cornered me at my own baby shower, pointed at my seven-month belly, and told me I needed to buy absolutely everything brand new or the baby would contract some kind of Victorian wasting disease. Twenty minutes later, my...
That 3 AM Nightmare: Surviving a Wunder Po bei Babys at Home
3:14 AM. A Tuesday. I'm standing in the nursery wearing Dave's ridiculously oversized Villanova sweatpants with a mysterious yogurt stain on the knee, and ten-month-old Maya is screaming like I'm trying to actively murder her. It wasn't her normal "I'm...
The Truth About Fall Baby Clothes (And What Actually Works)
The biggest lie the internet ever told us about fall is that your infant needs to look like a miniature adult lumberjack. I'm just gonna be real with you, the idea of stuffing a four-month-old into a tiny, stiff denim...
The ugly truth about that neon plastic baby play gym you just bought
I was sitting cross-legged on my living room rug at three in the morning, holding a screwdriver and weeping quietly over a piece of molded plastic that required four D batteries. The box promised it would stimulate my newborn's cognitive...
Why buying boys dress pants is a specific kind of modern torture
I'm currently wedged next to the sanitary bin in the disabled toilet of a twelfth-century Surrey church, sweating completely through my only clean wedding suit, attempting to wrestle a screaming two-year-old into a pair of miniature, fiercely rigid navy slacks....
The truth about newborn teething rings and endless drool
"Just rub a little bit of whisky on her gums, that’s what we did with you," my dad suggested, watching Mabel gnaw furiously on her own fist at a Sunday roast. "No, you need a Baltic amber necklace, but only...
The Brutal Truth About Buying Actually Useful New Baby Gifts
I'm staring at a pair of infant converse sneakers. They're the size of a jalapeño. They have actual, functional laces. Someone spent real money on these at a baby shower last weekend, and I know exactly where they're going to...
Debugging Your Kid's Wardrobe: The Ultimate Graphic Baby Tee
It was 2:14 AM on a Tuesday, and I had seventeen browser tabs open, deeply confused about how the internet works. Leo, my 11-month-old son, had finally entered a sleep cycle that didn't involve him kicking me in the ribs,...
Why Thick Baby PJs Are Ruining Your Sleep (And What Actually Works)
It was 2:14 AM and I was standing in the hallway wearing those gray Target sweatpants with the bleach stain on the thigh, holding a mug of coffee that had been microwaved so many times it tasted like warm pennies....