Debugging The King Cake Baby Hazard: A Warning To My Past Self
Dear Marcus of six months ago: Put the fork down. Back away from the pastry. I know exactly where you're right now. You're sitting at the kitchen island in the Portland rain, staring at a slice of aggressively colored purple,...
Best Baby Strollers 2025: A Letter to My Exhausted Past Self
You’re currently sweating through your maternity leggings in aisle four of BuyBuyBaby, trying to pry a half-eaten mall pretzel out of Beau’s hands before he jams it into the cup holder of a floor model, while your pregnant belly cramps...
The truth about finding the best baby stroller for your life
Sitting in the hospital breakroom at thirty-four weeks pregnant, chewing on generic ice chips, I received three completely conflicting mandates on how to transport a human infant. Sarah from the pediatric ward told me to buy the heaviest European luxury...
Dear Past Tom: The Great Beanie Baby Birthday Calendar Incident
Dear Tom of six months ago, You're currently hunched over the kitchen island, illuminated only by the harsh, judgemental glow of your phone and the standby light on the Tommee Tippee prep machine. One of the twins is asleep, radiating...
Why the Baby's Day Movie Gives Me Major Panic Attacks Now
I was elbow-deep in a basket of aggressively stained toddler socks yesterday afternoon, desperately trying to find a single matching pair, when my husband walked into the living room and slapped a DVD on the coffee table. He’d found it...
I Spent Three Hours Researching The Baby Tron (It’s Not A Stroller)
I had my credit card resting on my laptop keyboard, three browser tabs open to tech review sites, and was aggressively searching for the firmware update logs for something called the "baby tron." My teenage nephew had mentioned it at...
A Desperate Letter to Myself About Surviving Newborn Babies
Dear Tom from six months ago, You're currently sitting on the edge of the sofa at 3:14 AM, wearing a dressing gown that smells fiercely of sour milk and something I can only describe as biological despair. One of the...
System Error: What I Wish I Knew About Newborn Diapers
Dear Marcus from eleven months ago. You're currently standing in the Target diaper aisle, holding your phone open to a highly formatted Google Sheet. You have calculated that based on an average output of 8.4 voids per day, you need...
When Babies Roll Over: The Unexpected Chaos of the Milestone
It was 2:14 AM on a Tuesday. The baby monitor on my nightstand was glowing with the kind of ominous infrared light that usually precedes a jump scare in a horror movie. I stared at the pixelated screen, trying to...