What Chris Brown Baby Mamas Taught Me About Blended Families
I was sitting on our living room rug last Thursday, surrounded by a mountain of wipes, assorted plastics, and tiny socks, staring at a whiteboard. I had literally drawn a flowchart to map out how my 11-month-old son, Leo, would...
Debugging the Pinterest Algorithm: Our Boy Baby Shower Theme Saga
It was 10:42 PM on a Tuesday when the algorithm finally broke me. My wife, Sarah, was asleep on my shoulder, but her phone was still unlocked in her hand, illuminating the dark bedroom with an endless, scrolling matrix of...
The 2 AM Malware Alert That Changed How I Look at Baby Toys
It's exactly 2:14 AM. My 11-month-old daughter is running a mild teething temperature of 99.4 degrees, and I'm currently locked out of my own home Wi-Fi because our firewall triggered a hard quarantine. I’m sitting on the living room floor...
Raising a King Baby: Truby King, 3 AM Googling, and Tiny Tyrants
The whole mental collapse started at exactly 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, which is historically the time my brain decides to compile all its worst processing errors into one massive system failure. I had grand plans for this particular weekend—I...
Why raising a gentle lady baby is an absolute, hilarious myth
I'm standing in the kitchen at 3:14 AM, wearing a dressing gown that hasn't seen a washing machine since Tuesday, trying to negotiate with a tiny human who has somehow managed to get pureed carrot inside her own ear canal....
Lil Baby My Turn: Surviving The 3 AM Parenting Night Shift
I'm standing in our kitchen at 2:13 AM, bathed in the sickly yellow glow of the microwave clock, staring at a slightly damp muslin cloth while holding a bottle that's somehow simultaneously burning hot on the outside and completely freezing...
Lil Baby Real Name & The Glitch Of Naming Your First Human
The intake nurse stood at the foot of the hospital bed holding an iPad like a threat, her stylus hovering over a blank text field while the beeping of the fetal monitor mocked my indecision. My wife was exhausted, heavily...
My 11-Month-Old Daughter is Basically a 150-Pound Baby Walrus
It’s 3:14 AM on a Tuesday. The glow of my dual monitors is the only light in our Portland living room, casting long, depressing shadows over a floor entirely covered in colorful plastic debris. On the left screen, I've a...
Debugging The Maternity Baby Shower Dress Meltdown In Real Time
Exactly forty-five minutes before our backyard celebration was supposed to start, I found my wife stress-crying in our Portland bathroom with a humidity sensor from my server rack sitting on the counter. She was 31 weeks pregnant, and the highly-rated,...