What the bhad baby news taught me about newborn survival mode
The blue light from my phone was set to the absolute lowest brightness, but in the pitch black of our Portland bedroom at 3:17 AM, it still felt like staring directly into a laser pointer. My eleven-month-old daughter was asleep...
The Miniature CEO: Why I Stopped Dressing My Baby Like a Tiny Adult
I was exactly four and a half minutes into trying to button a miniature, tailored tweed blazer onto my squirming 11-month-old when I realized my entire approach to parenting apparel was fundamentally flawed. He was doing that terrifying back-arching maneuver,...
The 3 AM System Crash: A Letter to Past Me About That Sound
It's 3:14 AM, and you're currently standing over the crib with your phone flashlight pressed against your chest so the glare doesn't wake him fully, intensely analyzing the rhythmic, aggressive hacking sound coming from your five-month-old son. You're sweating. You...
The Brutal Truth About Baby Bracelets and Why I Totally Panicked
We were somewhere between the second slice of dry Victoria sponge and Florence’s inevitable afternoon meltdown when my wife's great-aunt produced the velvet box. We had survived the actual christening with only a moderate amount of screaming (mostly from me,...
The 3AM Panic: Why Your Baby's Dark Green Poop Is Usually Fine
It's 3:14 in the morning, and I'm operating entirely by the pale, depressing glow of my phone's flashlight. The four-minute-older twin has decided that sleeping through the night is a scam invented by adults, and she's communicating this via a...
The late-night angela baby search and other postpartum traps
Dear past Priya. You're sitting in the nursing chair right now at three in the morning. The glow of the screen is illuminating the dark circles under your eyes. You smell like sour milk and fenugreek. The baby is finally...
The tatu baby search that completely broke my dad brain at 2 AM
2:14 AM. The nursery is exactly 68.5 degrees. The white noise machine is pushing out a continuous loop of brown noise at precisely 42 decibels. My 11-month-old daughter is asleep on my chest, breathing 32 times a minute. I know...
The Tous Baby Consumer Trap: What I Wish I Knew Six Months Ago
Hey Jess. You're currently sitting cross-legged on the linoleum floor of the Target baby aisle, roughly seven months pregnant with baby number three, crying over whether to buy a sixty-dollar wipe warmer that has a built-in nightlight and Bluetooth speaker....
Why nobody warns you about ugly babies and how to survive them
I spent four hours in the maternity ward trying to find an Instagram filter that would make my son look less like a bruised, angry potato. I know we aren't supposed to say that out loud. You're supposed to weep...