The absolute panic of searching for my twins' missing kneecaps
The thud was the exact sort of hollow, resonant sound that makes every parentβs stomach drop instantly into their shoes. It was a wet Tuesday evening in November, the kind of London night where the rain sideways-assaults the windows, and...
Why I Completely Surrendered to the Fisher-Price Baby Era
It's 4:17 in the morning, and my bare foot has just made solid, agonising contact with the Smart Stages Puppy in the dark hallway. Without warning, an aggressively cheerful, synthetic voice belts out, "I SEE YOU!" followed immediately by that...
Why a weighted sleep sack almost broke my parenting resolve
The glow of my phone screen was the only light in the nursery, casting long, vaguely sinister shadows over two cots containing infants who had apparently unionised and agreed to strike against sleep. It was 3:14 in the morning. My...
The myth of the peacefully occupied infant (and how to survive a bu...
I currently have one foot planted firmly on a rogue piece of Tupperware, while the other is trying to gently slide a half-eaten rice cake out from under the sofa before the dog finds it. The twins, at two years...
The Great Naked Baby Rebellion: Surviving Twin Toddler Nudity
It's 7:14 AM, and the unmistakable sound of bare feet slapping against the cold hardwood floor echoes down the hallway. I'm standing near the radiator holding a pair of tiny corduroy trousers that cost more than my first car, watching...
The Oh Baby Illusion And The Messy Reality Of Your First Year
I was standing in the kitchen at half-past three in the morning, staring blankly at the leftover winnie the pooh baby shower invitations still pinned to our fridge. They were beautiful, really. Pristine cardstock, muted pastel colours, a delicate little...
Watching Three Men And A Baby At 3AM Will Not Calm Your Nerves
Dear Tom of six months ago. You're currently sitting on the sofa in the pitch dark. It's 3:14 AM. You have one twin asleep on your left shoulder, drooling a thick, milky substance onto your only clean t-shirt, and the...
Dear Past Tom: The chaotic truth about cooking meals for babies
Dear Tom from six months ago, You're currently standing in the kitchen at two in the afternoon, wearing a jumper that smells faintly of sour milk, staring at a blender full of steamed sweet potato. You have a very specific,...
The Brutal Reality of Mixing Tiny Puppies and Newborn Twins
I'm standing in our narrow London hallway, holding a slightly stiff hospital blanket that smells intensely of NHS-grade floor cleaner and sheer panic. Page 47 of a highly-rated parenting manual told me I should present this artifact to our terrier...