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The truth about surviving the baby groot merchandise invasion
I was elbow-deep under the sofa cushions on a Tuesday morning, executing a routine sweep for rogue Cheerios and whatever sticky substance had claimed the TV remote, when my fingers brushed against something hard, plastic, and distinctly anatomical. I pulled...
Why Babydoll Dresses Are Secretly a Parent's Best Friend
Itβs ninety-five degrees in East Texas, and my mother-in-law is trying to shoehorn my oldest child into a stiff, tulle monstrosity that looks like a wedding cake exploded. My kid is screaming like a feral cat in a church pew....
Dear Exhausted Jess: The Baby Beluga Magic You Need Right Now
Dear Jess from six months ago. You're sobbing into a sour-smelling burp cloth right now. It's 3:14 AM. The baby is doing that rigid-plank scream that makes your own spine ache, the toddler is asleep in the hallway for some...
What a 1980s Movie Taught Me About Dads and Newborns
Dear Sarah from last October, You're currently sitting in the driver's seat of your Honda Odyssey in a Starbucks parking lot. You're wearing those black Lululemon leggings that have an unidentifiable crusty stain on the left thigh, clutching an iced...
My Guide to Every Type of Gap Baby You Will Actually Encounter
I was sitting on the sticky linoleum floor of the Woodfield Mall family restroom when the reality of my life choices hit me. My toddler was screaming at a decibel level that usually triggers a code blue on a pediatric...
Why the Baby Got Back Lyrics Actually Make Terrible Parenting Advice
2:14 AM. Tuesday. I'm wearing Dave's old college sweatpants with a mysterious, crusted-over yogurt stain on the knee, desperately bouncing a screaming three-week-old Leo while whisper-rapping the words to Sir Mix-a-Lot in the dark. You know the exact scene from...
The vintage toy bin disaster and why 90s plushies stay away
It was a Tuesday afternoon when my mother-in-law hauled a massive plastic tote up from her basement. The lid snapped off to reveal a sea of crushed velvet, holographic tags, and that unmistakable scent of damp cardboard. She was holding...
Dear past me: The ugly truth about the bitty baby
Dear Priya of six months ago. You're currently sitting on the floor of the Target toy aisle while Maya has a full code blue meltdown over a generic plastic doll with terrifying eyelashes. You're rubbing your temples, staring at the...
The Birthday Beanie Baby Trap: A Letter to My Tired Past Self
Dear Tom from exactly six months ago, You're currently hunched over your laptop in the glow of a half-eaten digestive biscuit, ignoring the faint sounds of Maya and Chloe practicing their synchronized 2 AM grunting from the other room. You...