The Baby John Phenomenon: Decoding Screen Time & Newborn Life
"Just put on that little animated kid, it's basically a mute button for crying," my lead engineer told me over Slack while I bounced a screaming infant on my knee. "If he looks at a screen before he's two, his...
Why Those Vintage Pretty Little Baby Lyrics Actually Work
It's currently 2:14 PM on a Tuesday, I've exactly three minutes to move laundry from the washer to the dryer before my youngest wakes up from her nap, and my oldest is somewhere in the living room pressing a button...
The Baby Beluga Musician Was Right About Everything All Along
The radiator in our Chicago apartment was making that rhythmic clicking sound it only makes at three in the morning. My toddler was executing a flawless, rigid back-arch scream, the kind that usually shows either a dropped pacifier or a...
Why A Tiny Green Alien Explains My Entire First Year Of Fatherhood
It's 3:14 AM, and my eleven-month-old is currently trying to shove a completely intact, unpeeled banana into his left ear while maintaining unblinking, terrifying eye contact with me. I'm wearing sweatpants I haven't washed since Tuesday and a Mandalorian t-shirt...
The Beanie Baby Delusion: Why I Booted My Childhood Collection
I was standing ankle-deep in fiberglass insulation in my parents' attic last Thanksgiving, holding a massive, dust-caked Rubbermaid tub. Inside was what my 1998 brain calculated to be roughly $40,000 worth of brightly colored plush toys. I actually looked at...