Confessions: Why a Plastic Bag is a Terrible Baby Keepsake Box
I'm currently sitting cross-legged on a heavily stained rug at two in the morning, holding a small, crinkled ziplock bag that looks suspiciously like evidence from a low-budget crime scene. Inside is a tiny, pale wisp of hair. I know,...
Dear past Tom: So your toddler found a bird in the garden
Dear Tom from last May. You're currently standing on the patio in your dressing gown, holding a lukewarm mug of instant coffee while watching Maya and Lily enthusiastically poke at a pulsating lump of grey fluff on the lawn, so...
The 4 AM Starfish Incident and the Happiest Baby Swaddle
It's 3:17 AM on a Tuesday, though in the windowless temporal void of my daughters' nursery, it might as well be 1994. The room smells faintly of Calpol, sour milk, and my own evaporating dignity. I'm standing over the cot...
The Hatch Baby Delusion: Why Smart Sound Machines Won't Save You
It's exactly 3:14 AM, and I'm standing motionless in the hallway outside my daughters' bedroom, holding my breath so tightly my vision is starting to blur. Page 47 of the best-selling parenting manual we panic-bought during the third trimester suggested...
The Great Green Baby Panic: A Father's Descent Into Eco-Parenting
I was standing in our galley kitchen at 3:14 a.m., holding a disposable nappy that smelled vaguely of industrial solvent, when I realised my twin daughters were going to single-handedly destroy the ozone layer. Florence was screaming from the bassinet...
Why My Newborn Looked Like the Eraserhead Baby (And How We Survived)
It was 3:17 in the morning, a steady London drizzle was blurring the streetlights outside our flat, and I was staring into the hallway mirror holding what appeared to be a hostile alien organism. My hair, unwashed for four days,...
The bizarre math of exactly how many bones do babies have
I was trying to fold my daughter into a pram suit that was arguably designed for a slightly smaller, more cooperative species of mammal, when I noticed her leg was bending at an angle that would have required me to...
Surviving the Absolute Chaos of Your First Real Baby's Out Day
I'm currently standing in the hallway holding a solitary, incredibly tiny sock. I've been standing here staring at the wallpaper for what feels like twelve minutes, entirely paralysed by indecision. I can hear one of my two-year-old twin daughters crying...
A Desperate Letter to Myself About Surviving Newborn Babies
Dear Tom from six months ago, You're currently sitting on the edge of the sofa at 3:14 AM, wearing a dressing gown that smells fiercely of sour milk and something I can only describe as biological despair. One of the...