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The Brutal, Beautiful Truth About the Always Be My Baby Phase
I'm standing at my kitchen island right now, staring at a mountain of laundry that smells vaguely like goat feed and sour milk. On the left side of the counter, I've got my four-year-old's mud-caked jeans that look like they...
Troubleshooting The Baby Come Back Phase Without Losing Your Mind
2:14 PM. Portland is doing that misty drizzle thing outside where it's not quite raining but you still get entirely wet. I've stepped exactly 3.4 feet away from the playmat to grab my lukewarm coffee from the side table. I...
Nobody Puts Baby In The Corner: A Dad's Guide To The Reverse Gear
It was exactly 6:14 PM, the thermostat was holding steady at 68.5 degrees, and I was watching my 11-month-old son slowly reverse himself into the precise 90-degree angle where the drywall meets the glass sliding door. He looked like a...
The Messy Truth About When Your Baby Finally Learns to Sit Up
I was sitting on the cold linoleum floor of a slightly damp church basement wearing yoga pants that hadnβt seen a yoga studio since Obama was in office, staring at a six-month-old named... Brayden? Jayden? Let's go with Jayden. Jayden...
The absolute physical reality of raising a genuinely big baby
I'm standing in the middle of our dimly lit bedroom, sweating through a t-shirt, attempting to pull a cotton sleepsuit over my daughter's left thigh. The label, stitched with mocking delicacy, reads 'Up to 1 Month'. As I try to...
Searching Reddit for a Baby Walking Game at 2 AM Was a Mistake
Itβs 2:14 AM. I'm wearing my husbandβs horrific faded college track sweatpantsβthe ones with the inexplicable bleach stain on the left kneeβand I'm hunched over my phone in the dark, furiously refreshing a forum thread. I'm holding a mug of...
The Great Lil Baby Height Panic: A Dad's Late Night Mistakes
The metal tape measure snapped back with the terrifying velocity of a striking cobra, narrowly missing my left eye and causing Twin B to shriek with such piercing intensity that the neighbour's dog immediately began howling in sympathy. It was...
Gravity, sofas, and the dizzying truth about spinning babies
"Don't try to pull me by the shoulders, Tom, you'll misalign my pelvis," Sarah hissed. She was currently suspended upside down with her knees on our mustard yellow sofa and her forearms flat on the living room rug, her face...
What Age Do Babies Start Talking? My Audio Troubleshooting Log
Yesterday, my mom texted me that I clearly said "tractor" at eight months old. This morning, the barista at our local Portland roastery informed me his daughter was speaking in full, complete sentences before her first birthday. Meanwhile, my Reddit...