Surviving the Unexplainable Evening Crying Phase
My Apple Watch tapped my wrist at exactly 5:14 PM to let me know the ambient noise level in my living room had reached 95 decibels, a volume it cheerfully warned could cause temporary hearing loss. I didn't need the...
Why I Stopped Tracking Baby Development by Week With My Third
It was 3:17 AM, and the harsh blue light from my phone screen was probably blinding my firstborn as I frantically refreshed a developmental tracker app while nursing in our rocking chair. The app was practically screaming at me that...
Starring in the Real Baby Daddy Show (Minus the Laugh Track)
Dear Tom, You're currently sitting on the edge of the bathtub, wearing a fleece dressing gown that smells faintly of Sudocrem and despair, staring at a phone screen playing an old episode of that American sitcom. You know the one....
The Uncanny Valley of the CGI Baby in Squid Game
There's a massive misconception floating around the parenting subreddits right now. People seem to think the horrifyingly fake infant in that Korean dystopian show was just a product of lazy budgeting. They assume some producer looked at an Excel sheet,...
My honest take on the bizarre collagen baby threads internet rumor
My phone vibrated against the kitchen counter at six in the morning while I was trying to scrape dried oatmeal off a silicone mat. It was a text from my cousin in San Jose, asking if I knew anything about...
Confessions on Raising a Brainy Baby Without Losing Your Mind
Dear Jess of six months ago: I see you sitting on the rug in our Texas living room, sweating through your shirt, surrounded by Mandarin language flashcards, trying to get a ten-week-old to focus on high-contrast black-and-white shapes while the...
Why You Can Stop Panicking About Your Bow Legged Baby
Dear Sarah from six months ago, You're currently sitting on the sticky kitchen floor at 3:14 PM in those gray sweatpants with the mysterious yogurt stain, literally holding a plastic ruler up to Leoβs calves while he tries to eat...
Blueface Baby Mama Drama: Troubleshooting Real Infant Safety
I was pinned under a sleeping 11-month-old at 2:14 AM, the screen brightness on my phone turned down so low I was basically reading by echolocation, when the algorithm served me the blueface baby mama drama. If you somehow missed...
Memo to past Marcus: What I wish I knew about black babies
You're currently holding your phone at a forty-five-degree angle under the nursery humidifier's weird blue LED light, trying to compare the exact hex code of your son's left earlobe to the back of your own hand. Stop doing that. You...