Surviving A Cone Head Baby: When Your Newborn Looks Like An Alien
I had a spreadsheet for everything. Diaper count, precise bassinet temperature, best swaddle torque. But nowhere in my forty-two tabs of prenatal research did I account for the moment the delivery nurse handed me a creature whose skull looked like...
Blueface Baby Mama Drama: Troubleshooting Real Infant Safety
I was pinned under a sleeping 11-month-old at 2:14 AM, the screen brightness on my phone turned down so low I was basically reading by echolocation, when the algorithm served me the blueface baby mama drama. If you somehow missed...
Surviving the Baby Sling Carrier When You Have Zero Coordination
I was standing in the kitchen at two in the afternoon, wearing yesterday's t-shirt and draped in five meters of stretchy jersey fabric, looking less like a modern father and more like a deeply depressed Roman senator. Twin A was...
Taking Your Kids On A Baby Metal Tour Without Losing Your Mind
I was standing in my kitchen at 6:15 AM, right? Wearing Daveβs faded Megadeth shirt that has a literal hole in the left armpit, staring blindly at my phone while my coffee got aggressively cold. Because I had three separate...
My Papoose Baby Era: How I Survived The Clingy Newborn Phase
2:14 AM. A Tuesday in mid-November. I was standing in the middle of our tiny galley kitchen wearing a pair of maternity leggings that smelled vaguely of spit-up and stale coffee, desperately trying to wrap fifteen feet of gray stretchy...
The Ring Sling Baby Carrier: Debugging My Tactical Gear Fail
I was standing by the open door of our so-called baby car, getting rained on, holding what looked like the harness system for a parachute jump. It was a highly engineered, military-grade baby carrier. I had researched it for weeks....
Commuter Train Chaos With An Infant And Other Truths
I'm standing on the train platform at 8:12 AM on a Tuesday, wearing a trench coat that has a crusty streak of spit-up on the left lapel, and I'm clutching a lukewarm coffee like it's a flotation device in open...
The Clinical Truth About Momcozy Carriers and Hip Geometry
The wind coming off Lake Michigan was zero degrees, and I was standing in the Target parking lot on Clybourn trying to figure out a plastic buckle. My three-month-old was screaming in the backseat. I had just pulled him from...
Millie Bobby Brown's Adopted Baby Broke My Millennial Dad Brain
It's 3:14 AM and I'm currently trapped under twenty-two pounds of snoring infant who requires exactly 68.5 degrees ambient temperature to maintain his delicate sleep mode. I'm pinned to the nursing chair, my left arm has gone completely numb, and...