What A Giant Baby Penguin Taught Me About Raising Kids
It was 3:14 AM. I know this because my eyes were burning from the glare of my phone screen, and I was pinned to the rocking chair by my six-month-old, who currently possesses the density and general shape of a...
Why I Let a Baby Name Generator Pick My Kid's Name
I was staring at a shared Google Sheet at two in the morning when I realized our entire naming protocol was fundamentally broken. My mother had just called to advise us to pick something "biblical but not weird," whatever that...
A Letter to Myself on Debugging a Baby Boy's Winter Wardrobe
You're currently standing in the nursery at 2:14 AM, holding a laser thermometer and pointing it at the baseboards because the room is reading 69.8 degrees instead of your meticulously programmed 71.2 degrees. Your five-month-old son is asleep, but you're...
Dear Past Me: The Truth About Parenting Lifelines and Sanity
Dear Sarah from exactly six months ago. You’re sitting on the sticky linoleum floor in the kitchen right next to the dog's water bowl. You're wearing Dave’s oversized gray hoodie that smells faintly of old garlic and you're mainlining your...
Surviving the polyester nightmare of baby halloween costumes
It was 5:42 PM on a Tuesday in late October, and I was standing in the drizzling rain behind a Vauxhall Astra, trying to forcefully snap the gusset of a synthetic velvet pumpkin over my screaming two-year-old’s nappy. Her twin...
Finding Safe Baby Ear Piercing Near Me: A Dad’s Honest Review
Hey Marcus from six months ago. You're currently sitting in the dark, bathed in the blue light of your phone at 2:14 AM while Maya sleeps on your chest, casually typing baby ear piercing near me into Google Maps like...
Dear Past Marcus: Lil Nas X Industry Baby is Not a Nursery Song
Dear Marcus of exactly six months ago, Picture this exact scenario, because you're going to live it soon enough. You're standing in the kitchen, aggressively whisking a bottle of formula at 2:14 PM, wearing a gray t-shirt that hasn't seen...
Why The Sore Loser Baby Phase Feels Like A Fatal System Error
7:14 PM. The structural integrity of the three-block tower has failed. My 11-month-old son, Leo, is staring at the fallen soft rubber cubes like they just insulted his ancestors. His face turns the color of a locally sourced Portland beet,...
Why I Hosed Down Our Newton Baby Crib Mattress at 2 AM
It was 3:14 AM. The infrared glow of the Nanit monitor showed a gray, pixelated blob that used to be my daughter, but now she was completely face-down. Smashed directly into the mattress fibers. I watched the screen, waiting for...