Why I Stopped Listening to Every Tiny Nursery Sound
It was 2:14 AM and I was sitting on the edge of the bathtub in Dave’s college sweatpants—the ones with the unidentified bleach stain on the left knee—staring at a glowing plastic screen like it held the secrets to the...
A letter to my past self about the quest for superior baby wipes
Dear Tom of six months ago, You're currently standing in the semi-darkness of the nursery at 4:12 AM, attempting to perform a minor miracle while Twin A tries to kick you in the face and Twin B wails in aggressive...
The Best Sleeping Position For Baby With Stuffy Nose Resolved
It was 3:14 AM, the cool-mist humidifier was blasting enough vapor to make the nursery look like a 90s music video, and my eleven-month-old sounded exactly like a broken espresso machine. Every inhale was a wet, whistling rattle. Every exhale...
The Ultimate Blue Baby Shower Dress Survival Guide for Dads
I was standing in our shoebox-sized London bedroom, knee-deep in crinkled ASOS packaging, watching my heavily pregnant wife attempt to extract herself from what can only be described as a sapphire-coloured sausage casing. She was breathing heavily, one arm pinned...
What Bridget Jones’s Baby Got Wrong About Real Parenting
Don't, under any circumstances, boot up Bridget Jones’s Baby at 11 PM on a Tuesday when your wife is 34 weeks pregnant and already convinced every random abdominal twinge is a catastrophic system failure. I learned this the hard way....
Reverse-Engineering Adorable: The Baby Name Spreadsheet
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, roughly two weeks before our son's scheduled launch date. The only light in the half-finished nursery was the cold glow of my dual monitors. My wife, Sarah, was sitting on a deflated birthing...
How to Write a Baby Shower Card Without Sounding Delusional
I'm standing in the card aisle of the local Tesco, holding a pastel-yellow envelope and aggressively crossing out a pre-printed poem about 'tiny toes and heavenly woes' with a biro. The cashier is staring at me. I don't care. I'm...
Troubleshooting Baby Rash: A Dad’s Guide to Infant Skin Bugs
It was 2:14 AM on a Tuesday when the flashlight from my iPhone illuminated my 11-month-old's cheek, revealing a topographic map of angry red bumps that definitely weren't there at bedtime. My wife was asleep. The baby was surprisingly chill....
The Brutal Truth About Baby Products From A Tired Nurse
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday. I was sitting on my Chicago apartment floor surrounded by thirty-two cardboard boxes of varying sizes, smelling vaguely of spit-up and fenugreek. My son was three weeks old and screaming in that specific...