Lil Baby Harvard: Raising a tiny genius without losing your mind
Within forty-eight hours of bringing the twins home, I received three distinct pieces of unsolicited advice regarding their future intellectual dominance. My mother-in-law arrived with a set of high-contrast Mandarin flashcards (I speak passable French; my wife speaks sarcasm). Our...
The Great Wheeled Walker Delusion (And What We Do Instead)
My mother-in-law proudly dragged it out of her attic last Tuesday like she was presenting me with the Holy Grail of parenting. It was a plastic, UFO-looking contraption with eight swiveling casters, a faded sticker of a bear, and a...
Surviving the Baby Walker With Wheels (A Twin Dad's Story)
I was precisely halfway through pouring a vaguely warm coffee down my throat when Florence broke the indoor land speed record. We have a narrow Victorian hallway in our London terrace, which is entirely unsuitable for anything wider than a...
Why the Bhad Babie Only Fans Era Keeps This Twin Dad Awake
The bluish glow of my phone was beautifully illuminating a fresh, crusty patch of spit-up on my left shoulder at 3:14 AM when the algorithm decided I desperately needed to know about a teenager's multi-million dollar adult content empire. One...
How to Survive the Cartoon Baby Phase Without Losing Your Mind
Three days after we brought Leo home from the hospital, my mother came over, took one look at my unwashed hair, and told me to just prop him in a bouncy seat in front of some classical music animation so...
The 90s Crack Baby Myth: What Prenatal Exposure Actually Means
When my cousin adopted a beautiful little girl from the grow system, the unsolicited opinions rolled in like a bitter Chicago winter storm. A neighborhood aunty whispered over cold chai that the child would be permanently broken because of her...
A Letter To Past Me: That Cry Baby Movie Was A Huge Mistake!
Dear Sarah from exactly six months ago, Right now you're standing in the kitchen. It's exactly 6:14 AM on a Tuesday, and you're wearing those awful gray maternity sweatpantsβyes, the ones with the mysterious bleach stain on the left thigh...
Reverse-Engineering Adorable: The Baby Name Spreadsheet
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, roughly two weeks before our son's scheduled launch date. The only light in the half-finished nursery was the cold glow of my dual monitors. My wife, Sarah, was sitting on a deflated birthing...
The Truth About the Baby Steps Game Uncensored Search Trend
I'm sitting on the floor of our extremely cramped London living room, scraping a substance that might be mashed banana (but is almost certainly worse) off my left knee, when my phone buzzes with a frantic text from my sister....