Dressing Your Infant in a Devil's Rejects Baby Firefly Costume
The single biggest myth in modern parenting is the delusion that your infant is a blank, cooperative canvas for your own deeply specific pop-culture obsessions. I discovered this entirely too late while trying to explain to a very judgmental woman...
The truth about putting a camo baby tee on your actual infant
I was sitting at my kitchen island at two in the morning last Tuesday, staring at my phone and losing my mind. I just wanted to buy a normal shirt for my son. But when you search for a baby...
Before and After: Smoking Baby Back Ribs With An 11-Month-Old
It's 6:14 AM on a damp Portland Saturday, exactly 43.7 degrees outside, and I'm standing on my patio holding a squirming eleven-month-old in my left arm and a slippery rack of raw pork in my right. I'm staring at the...
The 3 AM Hunt for the October 14th Beanie Baby
The screen of my laptop was basically burning my retinas, but I couldn't look away. It was 3:14 AM. I was thirty-eight weeks pregnant with Leo, sweating through a pair of maternity leggings that I had been wearing for, oh...
The Existential Dread of Nursery Organization at 2 AM
I'm currently sitting cross-legged on the floor of my daughter's room at 2:14 AM, using a camping headlamp to sort her organic cotton socks by color gradient. The smart thermostat is locked at exactly 69.5 degrees, the humidifier is outputting...
The Denim Jacket Mistake and the Baby Boy Coming Home Outfit
The discharge nurse didnβt say anything out loud, but her eyebrows did a full 180-degree rotation when I pulled the miniature rigid denim jacket out of our hospital bag. It was hour 48 of being a father, I had consumed...
Baby Blue Bridesmaid Dresses: The Pregnant & Nursing Mom Guide
I was physically trapped inside a chiffon prison. I was seven months pregnant with Leo, sweating profusely in a tiny bridal boutique fitting room that smelled heavily of vanilla aerosol spray, and my husband Dave was standing on the other...
Why Your Night Vision Baby Monitor Feed Looks Paranormal
We're exactly 42 minutes into what the internet brutally refers to as the nine-month sleep regression, and my son's night vision monitor feed looks less like a peaceful nursery and more like found footage from a Roswell crash site. His...
Dear Past Jess: That Baby Pink Bell Sleeve Turtle Neck Dress Is Bad
Dear Jess from October. It's me, Jess from April. You're currently standing in the Target parking lot with three kids sweating in the backseat, staring at your phone, about to hit 'buy' on that trendy boutique website. I need you...