The 3 AM Blowout: Finding A Baby Strampler That Actually Works
It was exactly 3:14 AM when the warmth hit my forearm. I was standing in the dark, swaying slightly, trying to burp a three-week-old infant who felt entirely composed of liquid and rage. The warmth was yellow, mustard-scented, and rapidly...
The Truth About Building a Target Registry for Your Baby
I was seven months pregnant with my oldest, sweating through my maternity leggings in the middle of a Target aisle, clutching a plastic barcode scanner like it was a weapon. My mom was tossing wipe warmers and tiny, pointless patent...
Why Normal People Are Setting Up Trust Funds for Their Kids
Dear Jess from six months ago, You're currently sitting at the kitchen table at 11:47 PM. You have stale Goldfish crumbs stuck to your sweatpants, you're surrounded by fifty half-packed Etsy resin orders, and you're hyperventilating while staring at a...
Raising Kids With True Grit: A Normal Mom’s Take on Nepotism Babies
Three years ago, I marched right into the office of our local Methodist preschool, smiled at the director, and shamelessly dropped my grandmother’s name to bump my oldest kid to the top of their two-year-long waitlist. I didn't even blink....
The Truth About Boomer Grandparents And Modern Baby Care
Listen, put a little whiskey on his gums, beta. That was my great-aunt at a family wedding last month. He needs to sleep on his stomach or he'll choke on his spit-up. That was my mother-in-law, hovering over the bassinet...
Why I eventually surrendered to similac baby formula at 3 am
I was aggressively shaking a plastic bottle at three in the morning when the lid shot off like a champagne cork. White sticky fluid coated my glasses, the kitchen counter, and my golden retriever, who immediately started licking the cabinets....
The Real Signs of Ear Infection in Baby (And What to Ignore)
I'm just gonna be real with you—if I had a dollar for every time my mother-in-law gasped and said, "Oh, he's tugging his ear, it's an infection!" I could have paid off my student loans by now. When my oldest,...
Siberian Husky Baby Survival Guide for Clueless New Parents
I'm currently looking at a spreadsheet I built at three in the morning. It tracks the decibel level of my 11-month-old's cry plotted against the response time of our 60-pound sled dog, Apollo. Apollo is currently staring at a blank...
Why the Nirvana baby made me delete my entire Instagram feed
Hey Jess from last October. You're sitting on the bath mat right now, aren't you? The kids are miraculously distracted by an empty Amazon box in the hallway, your coffee is cold on the sink, and your thumb is hovering...