Magazine
Surviving the Inevitable Baby Keyboard Smash in My Home Office
"asdfghjkl;'" was the exact, unedited message I sent to my accountant last Tuesday at 9:14 AM. I'd love to claim it was an avant-garde statement about the futility of modern tax law, but the truth is considerably shorter, louder, and...
Before You Buy That Baby Girl Thanksgiving Outfit, Read This
It's 2019, and I'm wedged between the toilet and the bathtub in my mother-in-law's guest bathroom, sweating through my own maternity sweater. I'm desperately trying to peel a rigid, glittery tulle turkey dress off my screaming four-month-old. The giblet gravy...
Debugging the Perfect Baby Easter Outfit for Spring Photos
Dear Marcus from six months ago. It's exactly 10:14 AM on a Sunday. You're currently standing in Mayaβs parents' sunlit living room in Southeast Portland, holding an eleven-month-old infant who's violently attempting to ingest a handful of synthetic purple Easter...
The Brutal Truth About That Public Baby Changing Station Strap
My mother-in-law told me to never let my kid's bare skin touch a public changing table. She suggested I do all diaper changes in the trunk of our sedan, like some sort of parking lot mobster. My favorite doom-scrolling app...
My Chaotic Weekend Learning How to Smoke Baby Back Ribs With Kids
I was elbow-deep in raw pork juice at 6:15 AM on a Saturday, staring blankly at a massive, slippery cut of meat while Maya, who's seven and currently entrenched in her "question everything" phase, stood three inches from my hip...
Choosing the Right Going Home Outfit For Baby: A Dad's Warning
Dear Marcus (Version -11 Months), You're currently standing next to our Honda CR-V on Level 2 of the hospital parking garage, staring at a rigid plastic bucket with five straps that you're somehow supposed to secure your new daughter into....
The California Arts Baby Tee: Why Streetwear on Infants is a Trap
You're standing in the middle of the nursery at 7:15 in the morning, holding a miniature, mustard-yellow piece of cotton that looks incredibly cool on Instagram, currently trying to calculate the exact geometric angle required to force your screaming childβs...
The absolute best yarn for baby blanket knitting and buying
I was thirty-four weeks pregnant, sitting heavily on my living room rug in the dead of a Chicago winter, surrounded by four giant garbage bags of yarn. My mother-in-law had just dropped them off. She had this grand vision of...
Finding the best evo baby dragon deck (When you thought it was a toy)
Standing in my kitchen at 2 AM, waiting for the bottle warmer to hit exactly 98.6 degrees, I got a text from my 12-year-old nephew asking if I could Apple Pay him five bucks so he could finish building the...