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The Mobile Sleep Unit: What I Got Wrong About Baby Transport
The rain is coming down sideways in the Trader Joe's parking lot, and I'm standing next to the open trunk of my Subaru, violently jiggling the folding mechanism of a twelve-hundred-dollar rolling chassis while my eleven-month-old screams from the backseat...
The Great First Birthday Smash Cake Disaster (And What I Learned)
There's a specific, deeply unsettling textural horror to finding mashed avocado and coconut cream crusted into your left eyebrow three hours after the guests have gone home. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror, picking dried oat flour...
Debugging the baby boy wardrobe: A first-time dadβs logs
My thumb was actively bleeding. It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, rain was aggressively battering our Portland bedroom window, and I was locked in a physical struggle with a tiny, angry, poop-covered human. The adversary was a rigid denim...
Searching for baby bowser: Screen time, hair bows, and pure panic
It was 6:14 on a Tuesday morning, a time when civilized society is safely asleep, but my living room looked like the aftermath of a minor coup. Twin A (Mia) was clutching the Nintendo Switch controller to her chest like...
The Truth About Baby Bows (And The Red Marks They Leave)
I was standing in the middle of a dusty Texas bluebonnet patch off Highway 290, sweating completely through my shirt while my four-month-old screamed like a tiny, furious baby Bowser. She was thrashing around, clawing at her own head, trying...
What The Baby Boom Years Actually Taught Me About Motherhood
Dear Sarah from exactly six months ago, You're currently hiding in the downstairs half-bath. It's Tuesday, 4:13 PM. You're wearing those black maternity leggings that you definitely shouldn't still be wearing because Leo is four years old, and there's a...
The Truth About Baby Blue Nails: When to Panic and When to Chill
Maya was exactly three weeks old, and we were sitting in a freezing local coffee shop because I had reached a level of sleep deprivation where I physically needed to be around other adult humans or I was going to...
The Honestly Messy Truth On How To Burp A Baby Without Tears
Dear Sarah from exactly six months ago. You're currently sitting on your sisterβs hideous beige microfiber sectional at 3:14 AM. You're wearing your husband Mikeβs stained college sweatpants from 2008, the ones with the hole in the left knee. There's...
How I Survived the Great Highland Cow Baby Obsession of 2024
I'm currently sitting in the corner of a semi-detached flat in Zone 3 London, making intense eye contact with a six-foot plush Scottish bovine. It has more hair than I do, takes up roughly the same square footage as a...