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Searching Reddit for a Baby Walking Game at 2 AM Was a Mistake
It’s 2:14 AM. I'm wearing my husband’s horrific faded college track sweatpants—the ones with the inexplicable bleach stain on the left knee—and I'm hunched over my phone in the dark, furiously refreshing a forum thread. I'm holding a mug of...
The Truth About That "Baby Steps" Video Game (Spoiler: It's Not For...
My mom swears that whatever video games my six-year-old nephew plays are totally fine for my three under five as long as I just cover their little eyes during the scary parts. My sister, bless her heart, thinks any screen...
My Toddler Found a Baby Snake: The Ultimate Backyard Meltdown
Tuesday morning, 8:14 AM. I was wearing Dave’s gross gray sweatpants—the ones with the mystery bleach stain near the left knee that he absolutely refuses to throw away—and balancing my third, heavily microwaved mug of coffee on my hip. Leo,...
Dear Past Marcus: Debugging the Baby Shower Meatballs Crisis
I've got a digital meat thermometer plunged into the geometric center of a frozen sphere of ground turkey, and the reading is hopelessly stuck at 138°F. It's 11:30 PM on a Friday. The kitchen smells like a confusing collision of...
The End of Humiliating Baby Shower Games (And What to Do Instead)
Five years ago, I stood in a drafty village hall in Surrey, holding a plastic cup of warm sparkling wine, watching my sister-in-law unwrap a massive ball of clingfilm while wearing a blindfold. Someone shoved a disposable nappy under my...
Why the baby shark video is actually neurological genius
We're stuck in gridlock on Lake Shore Drive. The smell of three-day-old formula is radiating from somewhere under the passenger seat. In the back, my daughter has initiated the kind of breath-holding, red-faced scream that usually requires a medical intervention....
Why My Wife Wanted the 1980s Baby Shalini Haircut at Midnight
At 1:14 AM on a Tuesday, my wife shoved a glowing iPhone into my face displaying a grainy 1980s photo of a child with a perfectly symmetrical, brutally blunt bowl-cut bob. I was barely conscious, trying to reboot my brain...
Why The Great Baby Oatmeal Cereal Incident Finally Broke My Spirit
It's 11:14 AM on a Tuesday, and I'm staring at a perfectly spherical glob of beige paste slowly sliding down my otherwise immaculate kitchen window. It hangs there for a moment, defying gravity, before dropping directly onto the cat's head....
A Letter To Past Me About Baby Memes And Surviving Twin Girls
You're currently sitting on the closed lid of the downstairs loo at exactly 3:14 AM. The tiles are freezing against your bare feet, and you're hiding. I know this because I'm you, writing from six months in the future. Upstairs,...