Writing Honest Baby Shower Greetings When Your Mind is Blank
Dear Jess from six months ago, I know exactly where you're right now. You're sitting in the sweltering driver's seat of your Honda Odyssey in the Target parking lot, the air conditioner blasting directly into your face while you try...
The absolute chaos of deploying a modern baby shower invite
I'm staring at a Google Sheet with 64 rows of mailing addresses, and my brain is completely buffering. My wife, Sarah, is sitting next to me on the couch, asking if we should upgrade to the 120-pound matte cardstock or...
Debugging Baby Shower Messages: A Clueless Dad's Before and After
It's 11:14 PM, the nursery thermostat is locked exactly at 69.5 degrees because my wife insists that's the good sleep environment, and I'm staring at a blank piece of cardstock. The baby monitor on my desk looks like a paranormal...
Dear Past Marcus: Please Stop Overcomplicating the Baby Registry
You're currently sweating through your vintage Timbers hoodie, keeping nineteen browser tabs open, hovering your cursor over an "Add to Cart" button for a Bluetooth-enabled diaper pail. I need you to step away from the keyboard. It's me. Future Marcus....
Finding a baby sitter near me without losing my mind
I'm standing in my own hallway, wearing hard pants for the first time in eight months, watching a nineteen-year-old named Chloe hold my son. She is holding him like a football. A fragile, screaming football. My husband is whispering that...
The Baby Boomers Age Range: Why Grandparents Think We're Neurotic
"Put a spot of whiskey on their gums," my father-in-law suggested casually, sipping his tea while watching Twin A attempt to violently gnaw her way through our oak coffee table. Later that same Tuesday, my mother informed me via text...
Why I Regret (And Still Love) Buying Baby Blue Jordans For My Kid
It was Tuesday, 2:14 PM, and the sun was absolutely baking the squishy rubber flooring at Centennial Park. I was wearing leggings that hadn't seen the inside of a washing machine since Sunday and an oversized Nirvana tee with a...
The Baby Alien Fanbus Search That Completely Broke My Parent Brain
It was 2:14 in the freaking morning on a Tuesday, and I was sitting on our violently uncomfortable beige sectional wearing sweatpants that literally still had a crusty patch of Leo’s spit-up from circa 2020 on the left thigh. Maya,...
Dear Past Me: What I Wish I Knew Before Naming Our Baby Akira
Dear Jess from six months ago—put down your sweet tea, close the Pinterest tab where you're looking at custom nursery signs, and for the love of everything holy, delete that hashtag draft from your Instagram. You're sitting there on the...