What Bridget Jones’s Baby Got Wrong About Real Parenting
Don't, under any circumstances, boot up Bridget Jones’s Baby at 11 PM on a Tuesday when your wife is 34 weeks pregnant and already convinced every random abdominal twinge is a catastrophic system failure. I learned this the hard way....
Brooke Shields Pretty Baby: A Dad's 3 AM Digital Privacy Spiral
The digital clock on the microwave said 3:14 AM. The rhythmic, tiny puffs of air from my 11-month-old daughter were hitting my collarbone like a metronome. She had finally stopped fighting her sleep cycle, her tiny system crashing after what...
Mom Truths: Those Brooklyn Baby Lana Del Rey Lyrics Explained
It was 2017. Maya was roughly six months old, and I was sitting on the severely scratched hardwood floor of our third-floor walk-up in Park Slope. My hair was twisted into a greasy topknot that was probably 40 percent dry...
How to Survive the Cartoon Baby Phase Without Losing Your Mind
Three days after we brought Leo home from the hospital, my mother came over, took one look at my unwashed hair, and told me to just prop him in a bouncy seat in front of some classical music animation so...
The 90s Crack Baby Myth: What Prenatal Exposure Actually Means
When my cousin adopted a beautiful little girl from the grow system, the unsolicited opinions rolled in like a bitter Chicago winter storm. A neighborhood aunty whispered over cold chai that the child would be permanently broken because of her...
A Letter To Past Me: That Cry Baby Movie Was A Huge Mistake!
Dear Sarah from exactly six months ago, Right now you're standing in the kitchen. It's exactly 6:14 AM on a Tuesday, and you're wearing those awful gray maternity sweatpants—yes, the ones with the mysterious bleach stain on the left thigh...
Reverse-Engineering Adorable: The Baby Name Spreadsheet
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, roughly two weeks before our son's scheduled launch date. The only light in the half-finished nursery was the cold glow of my dual monitors. My wife, Sarah, was sitting on a deflated birthing...
"A Dingo Ate My Baby": How A 90s Joke Became My Parenting Nightmare
The digital clock on the nursery wall reads 2:14 AM. The temperature monitor is holding steady at exactly 68.4 degrees. My 11-month-old son is currently using my left collarbone as a mattress, drooling a small puddle of milk onto my...
That Viral Donkey Game Is Ruining My Search History
I was pumping at three in the morning in my dark Chicago apartment, half-asleep, trying to find a specific wooden animal push-toy my mother-in-law swore was the secret to getting my toddler to walk. I typed what I thought was...