Twins and the absurd reality of baby elephant weight
In the suffocatingly warm waiting room of our local NHS clinic, whilst desperately trying to balance a screaming twin on each knee, I received three entirely contradictory pieces of advice about infant growth within a single ten-minute span. Our health...
Dear Priya from six months ago about the baby doge trap
Listen. I know exactly where you're right now. You're sitting on the rug in the nursery at three in the morning with a squirming toddler who refuses to sleep, scrolling TikTok with your screen brightness turned all the way down....
The Truth About Chili's Baby Back Ribs For Your Weaning Toddler
It's half past five on a dreary Tuesday, and I'm staring at my twin daughters who look less like children and more like they've just survived a highly localised explosion in a barbecue sauce factory. One of them is wielding...
Dear Past Me: The Great Clash Royale Dragon Emote Code Chaos
Dear Sarah of Last October, You're currently standing in the kitchen in those gray Lululemon leggingsβthe ones with the mysterious bleach stain on the left thigh that you keep swearing you'll throw away but never do. It's, like, 6:43 AM...
Dear Past Tom: A Warning About The Dijon Mustard Situation
Dear Past Tom, You're probably reading this while standing in the maternity ward bathroom, staring at a tiny, screaming human you met roughly four hours ago. You're holding a nappy under the harsh fluorescent light, and you're sweating. You've just...
Is Boss Baby Back in Business Ruining My Kid? A Dad's Log
It was exactly 6:14 AM on a Tuesday, and my apartment smelled faintly of day-old breastmilk and sheer desperation. My wife, Sarah, had left the state for a 48-hour work conference, leaving me as the sole systems administrator for our...
Finding the Best Baby Gates Before Your Children Learn to Fly
At exactly 4:12 PM on a rainy Tuesday, I watched my daughter, who until that morning had possessed the mobility of a sack of King Edward potatoes, execute a perfect commando crawl across the living room and attempt to eat...
Troubleshooting Purees: My Hunt for the Best Baby Food Maker
It was 1:14 AM and I was holding a tactical flashlight to the water reservoir of a $150 baby appliance. I had my phone camera zoomed in to 3x magnification, trying to verify if the cluster of black specks inside...
Why Your Screaming Newborn Is Basically A Hairless Baby Toucan
I spent three solid months before my oldest was born painting his nursery the perfect shade of 'oatmeal' and buying tiny, stiff linen button-downs that cost more than my weekly grocery budget. My oldest kid is basically a walking cautionary...