Why That Viral Cry Baby Popmart Figure Isn't Actually For Your Baby
I was standing at my kitchen sink, elbow-deep in cold oatmeal dishwater, when my 14-year-old niece shoved her phone directly into my face. On the screen was what looked like a perfectly round, tear-streaked child stuffed inside a tiny, fuzzy...
Note to past Priya: The truth about the baby toon and choking
Dear Priya from last November. You're currently staring at a bowl of mashed sweet potato and sweating through your scrubs. Your hands are shaking because ten minutes ago he choked. Or you thought he choked. He went red, his eyes...
My 3AM Encounter With The Notorious Gateron Baby Kangaroo
It sounded like a particularly brittle beetle being crushed under a Wellington boot, but the sharp, piercing pain shooting directly up into my left heel suggested something far more synthetic. It was 3:17 AM. I was halfway across the living...
The Honest Guide to Feeding Crustaceans to Your Infant
I was standing in my kitchen at ten in the morning on a random Tuesday, holding a twenty-dollar tin of pasteurized lump meat like it was a live grenade. The smell of cold brine was filling the room. My son...
The 3 AM Search For A Baby Doll Batman Sent Me Down A Weird Rabbit ...
It's 3:14 AM, and the amber glow of my phone screen is the only light in a room that currently smells heavily of Calpol and desperation. Maya (Twin A, currently operating with the feral energy of a raccoon trapped in...
Are Beanie Babies Worth Anything? A Nostalgia Reality Check
Rain is aggressively hitting my Chicago apartment windows while I try to wrestle a screaming toddler away from the front door. The UPS driver just dumped three massive, duct-taped Rubbermaid bins in the hallway. I recognize my mother-in-law's handwriting instantly....
Why Humphrey the Beanie Baby Is a Hard No for My 11-Month-Old
I'm currently holding a beige, slightly cross-eyed plush camel that smells faintly of an attic and 1996. My mother-in-law just proudly handed it to me across our kitchen island. Apparently, she unearthed this thing from her garage after solving the...
Debugging The King Cake Baby Hazard: A Warning To My Past Self
Dear Marcus of six months ago: Put the fork down. Back away from the pastry. I know exactly where you're right now. You're sitting at the kitchen island in the Portland rain, staring at a slice of aggressively colored purple,...
The Brutal Truth About Beanie Baby Value and Nursery Safety
I'm sitting on the freezing concrete floor of my parents' garage in the Chicago suburbs, staring at three massive plastic tubs filled with Princess Diana bears and tie-dye lobsters. My mom is standing over me, casually mentioning that this plastic...