What I Got Completely Wrong About My First Baby Bouncer Seat
It was a Tuesday at like, 2 PM, and I was sitting on the damp bath mat in my tiny apartment bathroom, wearing a stained gray nursing bra and exactly one sock. Leo was three and a half weeks old....
Dear Past Marcus: You Need a Baby Bjorn Bouncer Immediately
Past Marcus, it's me. You from six months in the future. You're currently standing in the kitchen of our Portland apartment at 3:14 AM. The baby is five weeks old. It's raining outside, obviously. You're trying to rock him while...
The Great Baby Myth And Other Delightful Lies We Tell New Parents
At precisely 3:14 AM on a rainy Tuesday, while scraping what I desperately hoped was mashed sweet potato off the nursery ceiling, I realised the central lie of modern parenting. Before the twins arrived, well-meaning relatives and aggressively pastel-coloured books...
Surviving the 6pm Meltdown: A Very Tired Dad's Guide to Colic
The absolute worst thing you can do at 6:13 PM on a Tuesday, when your infant begins their nightly impersonation of a faulty car alarm, is to load up YouTube on your phone, prop it against a cold cup of...
Why a Creepy Lifelike Baby Doll Saved My Sanity With Sibling Prep
I was sitting on my incredibly stained West Elm rug at two in the afternoon on a Tuesday, wearing maternity leggings that definitely had dried yogurt on the left thigh, watching my three-year-old son Leo attempt a WWE-style suplex on...
Surviving the Baby Boomer Years of Grandparenting
Don't, under any circumstances, politely accept the garbage bag full of your own crusty childhood stuffed animals just because your mom has misty eyes. I did this when my oldest was born, and let me tell you, it was a...
Surviving the "Pretty Little Baby" Illusion (And Other Newborn Real...
I'm standing in the poorly lit postnatal ward of a central London hospital, staring at what looks like two furious, bruised potatoes. My wife is completely unconscious, having just performed a biological miracle that looked exactly like a medical emergency,...
The Truth About Expensive Bamboo Sleep Sacks And The Laundry
The biggest lie the internet tells new mothers is that spending fifty bucks on a piece of magical fabric will buy you a full night of uninterrupted sleep. It was 11 PM on a random Tuesday in 2019, I was...
What I Wish I Knew Before Buying That Magical Baby Swing
Itβs 3:14 AM on a Tuesday in November, and I'm standing in my kitchen wearing a pair of Target maternity leggings from 2014 that smell aggressively like sour milk, holding a lukewarm mug of yesterdayβs coffee, just absolutely paralyzed while...