The Stork Baby Myth and the Brutal Reality of Postpartum
My mother-in-law walked into my Chicago apartment holding a massive stuffed white bird with a little cloth bundle in its beak. She placed it right next to the bassinet, beaming with that specific kind of grandmotherly pride. I just stared...
The Messy Truth About Feeding Sugar Baby Melons to Infants
I'm currently staring at my kitchen counter, which looks exactly like a crime scene. I've a paring knife in one hand, half of a tiny, bowling-ball-sized watermelon in the other, and sticky pink juice running all the way down to...
My confusing search for a talented baby squirrel in Portland
My 11-month-old was actively attempting to ingest a handful of premium Portland moss when my phone vibrated in my pocket. We were doing our mandatory morning yard time, which mostly consists of me following him around like a poorly programmed...
Talk To Me Baby: Why We Need To Stop Sounding Like Tax Attorneys
I was at a coffee shop in Lincoln Park yesterday when I heard a mother next to me explaining the concept of municipal bonds to her three-month-old. She was using a flat, monotone, deeply serious voice. The infant was staring...
Why the thalidomide baby tragedy still dictates pregnancy rules
I was standing in aisle four of a aggressively crunchy Portland natural grocery store, holding a box of German herbal nausea pills that smelled like dirt and black licorice. Sarah was eight weeks pregnant. For the last seventy-two hours, she...
The 45-Minute Fakeout: Surviving The Twilight Sleep Phase
It was 7:42 PM on a Tuesday. I know this because the microwave clock was glaring at me in neon green, mocking the mug of coffee I had reheated four times since noon and still hadn't taken a single sip...
The Truth About Unique Baby Gifts From A Mom Who Kept The Receipts
I'm currently standing in my garage sweating through my favorite oversized t-shirt, aggressively trying to shove a five-foot-tall plush giraffe into a cardboard donation box while my toddler throws stale Cheerios at the dog. My oldest, bless her heart, was...
What The Lana Rhoades Baby Drama Taught Me About Online Privacy
I was sitting on the cold hexagon tiles of my downstairs bathroom at 2:14 AM, the blue light of my phone illuminating a weird stain on my sweatpants that I was aggressively pretending was just yogurt. Leo was four months...
Taking Parenting Advice From A Kardashian (And Why It Actually Worked)
It was exactly 3:14 AM, the digital clock on the humidifier was burning red into my retinas, and I was sitting cross-legged on the nursery floor holding a pair of heavy-duty kitchen shears. The baby was doing that terrifying, silent...