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Why putting tiny shades on twins feels like a hostage negotiation
I'm currently crouched behind the garden shed, clutching a pair of miniature, neon-pink plastic frames like they're a live grenade, trying to figure out which of my two-year-old daughters is least likely to bite me if I approach her face....
Navigating Baby Steps Nudity and Family Privacy (And Pants)
It was 7:13 AM on a Tuesday, and I was standing in my entryway wearing a stained NYU sweatshirt from 2009, holding a mug of coffee that had already gone cold because Iβd left it on the bathroom counter for...
The Baby Steps Game Disaster and How to Actually Teach Walking
It was somewhere around 3:17 in the morning, a time that I'm increasingly convinced exists solely to punish parents for their past life choices. Maya, the slightly more reasonable of my two-year-old twin daughters, was fast asleep in her cot,...
The Giant Myth About Baby Snacks And What I Actually Feed Them
I was standing in aisle four at Target on a Tuesday at like, 10:45 AM, wearing a nursing tank with a spit-up stain shaped exactly like Florida, holding a six-dollar canister of organic kale-infused star puffs. Maya was eight months...
Why My Humiliating First Attempt At A Baby Sling Made Me Cry
It was exactly 4:13 AM on a Tuesday, and I was standing barefoot on the cold kitchen linoleum, sobbing quietly while trying to maneuver twenty feet of stretchy grey fabric around my torso. Maya was exactly three weeks old, screaming...
How to Serve Baby Shower Food Without Poisoning the Mother
There's a pervasive, Pinterest-fueled lie that catering a baby shower is an exercise in elegant pastel minimalism involving delicate cucumber sandwiches and unbothered women laughing in sunlit rooms. It's actually a high-stakes hostage negotiation with bacteria where one wrong slice...
Dear Me: The Truth About Giving A Baby Ruth Candy Bar To A Toddler
October 31st, 11:30 PM. The kid is finally asleep. You're sitting on the living room floor surrounded by a mountain of plastic pumpkin loot. You unwrap a baby ruth candy bar. You look at it. You think about how your...
The Baby Ruth Conundrum: Candy Hazards & Expert Parenting Truths
Last Tuesday, my mother casually suggested I rub some whiskey on my 11-month-old's swollen gums and hand him a chunk of a baby ruth candy bar to chew on while I made dinner. Two hours later, my neighborβa veteran dad...
Why I Stopped Trusting the Box My Baby Rocking Chair Came In
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday in 2017, and I was standing in my dark kitchen wearing a nursing bra that smelled aggressively like sour milk and Daveβs oversized college sweatpants, staring at this beige, gently vibrating infant seat...