Why the Baby Driver Actor Made Me Rethink Infant Safety
Dear Marcus from six months ago. I know exactly what you're doing right now. It's 3 AM in our Portland living room. You've logged exactly 3.4 hours of heavily fragmented sleep, and you're currently acting as a human mattress for...
Surviving the Unexplainable Evening Crying Phase
My Apple Watch tapped my wrist at exactly 5:14 PM to let me know the ambient noise level in my living room had reached 95 decibels, a volume it cheerfully warned could cause temporary hearing loss. I didn't need the...
Starring in the Real Baby Daddy Show (Minus the Laugh Track)
Dear Tom, You're currently sitting on the edge of the bathtub, wearing a fleece dressing gown that smells faintly of Sudocrem and despair, staring at a phone screen playing an old episode of that American sitcom. You know the one....
Dear Past Marcus: Surviving Solids With Baby Lemon Impossible Pies
I'm currently scraping a cemented, neon-yellow blob of crust off the exact midpoint of our kitchen floor at 3 AM using an old credit card. Itβs stuck to the hardwood like industrial adhesive. This is my life now. Dear Marcus...
The Burberry Baby Paradox: When Designer Threads Meet Reality
Dear Marcus from six months ago, I'm currently sitting on the floor of the laundry room staring at a 75% surface-area coverage stain on a 100% cashmere infant romper. It's 3:14 AM. The dog is hiding under the sofa because...
That Terrifying BRUE Baby Glitch: What I Wish We Hadn't Done
Whatever you do, please don't pick up your kid and shake them like a defective Wi-Fi router when they suddenly go completely limp, which is exactly the panicked instinct I had to fight back at 2:14 AM last Tuesday. My...
Playing Bread Baby I'm-a Want You Fixed Our 3AM Sleep Crisis
It's 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, and I'm writing this to youβwhich is to say, me, six months agoβwhile our son screams into my left clavicle like a dial-up modem failing to connect. I know exactly where you're right now...
Why Bobby Sherman Cried Like a Baby (And Why Yours Does Too)
Yesterday at my favorite craft coffee spot, the barista handed me my iced Americano and casually mentioned that letting an 11-month-old scream in his stroller builds "diaphragmatic resilience." Two hours later, my mother-in-law texted to warn me that responding to...
Memo to past Marcus: What I wish I knew about black babies
You're currently holding your phone at a forty-five-degree angle under the nursery humidifier's weird blue LED light, trying to compare the exact hex code of your son's left earlobe to the back of your own hand. Stop doing that. You...