Debugging The Baby Pumpkin Costume: A First-Time Dad's Guide
The internal temperature of a synthetic plush gourd is roughly equivalent to the surface of the sun. I'm holding a screaming, bright orange sphere in the middle of a muddy Portland farm, desperately trying to find a zipper that apparently...
Are the Viral Sézane Paula Babies Actually Wearable for Real Moms?
It was Tuesday, 8:14 AM. I was standing in my kitchen wearing black leggings that definitely had yesterday's crusty oatmeal smeared across the left thigh, clutching my third cup of lukewarm coffee like it was a life raft. My husband...
Finding a baby bat in your house and other midnight terrors
My mate Dave from the pub told me the best way to handle the situation was with a pint glass and a beer mat, as if I were dealing with a slightly aggressive bluebottle in a beer garden. My mother-in-law,...
Debugging My Baby Girl's First Halloween Costume Disaster
I was standing in the driveway, sweating through my flannel, trying to solve a geometry problem that shouldn't exist. It was 52 degrees in Portland, a classic damp October morning, but my internal CPU was overheating because I couldn't get...
My Bizarre Search for a Baby Firefly Costume and What I Learned
The baby monitor on my secondary display currently reads exactly 68.4 degrees, which is supposedly the good ambient temperature for an eleven-month-old to achieve deep REM sleep, though she's currently doing this weird phantom nursing motion with her mouth that...
The Truth About Baby Overalls (And Why I Was Totally Wrong)
It was October 2017, and I was standing in the microscopic, dimly lit bathroom of a neighborhood café wearing a silk blouse I had absolutely no business wearing as a new mother, staring down at my six-month-old daughter Maya who...
So Your Kid Found Baby Owls in the Yard (Put the Bird Down)
I was elbow-deep in cold soapy dishwater trying to scrape crusty oatmeal out of a bowl when my oldest marched through the back door with her hands cupped together like she was holding a sacred treasure. "Mama, I found Hedwig's...
The Marshmallow Myth And The Truth About Baby Car Seat Covers
I was standing in our gravel driveway at seven in the morning, holding a screaming toddler who had somehow locked all his joints so he resembled a rigid, puffy starfish. It was 38 degrees in rural Texas, which meant the...
The Michelin Man Dilemma: Why Puffy Winter Baby Suits Terrify Me
November 2022. It's three degrees above freezing in the Sainsbury’s car park, a uniquely British kind of damp cold that seeps directly into your bones. I'm sweating profusely through a thin t-shirt while trying to forcefully fold my six-month-old daughter,...