The Josh Naylor Playoff Baby Situation and MLB Paternity Leave
Don't attempt to fix a P1 production bug while your wife's contractions are exactly three minutes apart. I thought I could deploy a quick hotfix from the triage room at Providence Portland while we waited for a doctor. My wife,...
How My Eleven-Month-Old Gained Root Access to Our Entire House
There was a spoon flying toward my left eye before I'd even managed to fully process that the coffee maker was empty. I ducked, the metal clattered against the stainless steel fridge, and my eleven-month-old son glared at me from...
A Baby Born In Portland: My Complete First-Time Dad Meltdown
The thermostat in Room 314 of the maternity ward was locked at exactly 68 degrees, but I was sweating through my gray hoodie like I was pushing a critical database update to production at 2 AM with no backup. My...
Letter to Past Marcus: What an AI Baby Generator Won't Tell You
Hey Marcus from six months ago. It's 2:14 AM and you're sitting on the edge of the incredibly lumpy gray sofa, bouncing a 5-month-old who absolutely refuses to power down. He's currently undergoing some sort of major firmware update, which...
The tatu baby search that completely broke my dad brain at 2 AM
2:14 AM. The nursery is exactly 68.5 degrees. The white noise machine is pushing out a continuous loop of brown noise at precisely 42 decibels. My 11-month-old daughter is asleep on my chest, breathing 32 times a minute. I know...
She's Having a Baby: A Clueless Dad's Guide to Newborn Survival
Don't pack an extension cord, a multi-port USB hub, and three different bluetooth speakers in the hospital bag. This is my first and most critical piece of advice. I was standing in our Portland living room with a color-coded spreadsheet...
How to Be a Rich Baby Daddy Without Actually Having Any Money
I'm standing in a painfully well-lit Marylebone baby boutique at eleven in the morning on a Tuesday, holding a Β£400 self-rocking bassinet, while one of my two-year-old twins actively attempts to eat a display shoe. The sales assistant is looking...
Total System Crash: Troubleshooting Our New Born Baby on Night Four
Itβs 3:14 AM on our fourth night home, and I'm standing over the bassinet holding my phone flashlight like an idiot, trying to count the chest rises of a 7-pound human. My wife is asleep for the first time in...
Figuring Out the New MAGA Baby Savings Account Without Losing It
My father-in-law texted me at 6:15 AM in all-caps about how the federal government is apparently handing out a free thousand bucks for my kid. Two hours later, a senior developer on my engineering team Slack-messaged me a doom-scroll thread...